


Meddlesome Is A Family Trait

by robogreaser



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society, Alternate Universe - Medieval, Awkward Sexual Situations, Cinderella Elements, Matchmaking, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2017-12-29 19:04:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 27,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1008945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robogreaser/pseuds/robogreaser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose Lalonde runs an Apothecary. Dave Strider, her cousin, a knight, is scheming behind her back to get her to come out of her shell. Matchmaking is on the roster. Surprises ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Scheme

**Author's Note:**

> A commission for Almightysempai on tumblr. They asked for some pale DaveRose. A work in progress.

Rose Lalonde’s apothecary smelled like turpentine, smoke and rosemary. That’s just the way she liked it. Her cousin Dave loathed it. He hated the dust and the hundreds of shelves and the creaky floorboards. He told her this as often as he could.

She resented it.

“If you’re going to come here and complain about every single thing I own smelling like a dead body, which may I remind you they don’t, then why stop by in the first place? Wouldn’t you rather spend your time doing your knight-y things like,” she paused. IT was hard to think of knight-y things, come to think of it. “What is it that you actually do Sir David?”

“Why do you got to be like that Rose?” Dave asked.

“Because if gets on your nerves, then I’m fulfilling my duty as a wondrous relative,” Rose said. “But seriously, stop bitching about the herbs. If you don’t like the smell then leave,”

“And what will you do in the meantime? Grind up drugs and wizard-y potions and poisons until that dressmaker down the road happens to need medicine for whatever a dressmaker might need medicine for? What are you going to do, hit her with some plague so you can treat her? Face it Rose, if it weren’t for me stopping by, you wouldn’t know the reality of sunlight and fresh air.”

“Regardless Sir David, I have seven orders to tend to and your complaints about the cleanliness of my shop are simply getting on my nerves.”

“Oh pshaw… Anyway, I’m here to actually get something today. You know, besides my daily dosage of Lalonde flavored sarcasm. Karkat needs another drum of whatever you’ve been giving him to treat whatever ailment he won’t admit to having,” Dave said. Rose gave a slight nod and bent down to rummage behind the counter. “So is there any chance you might tell me what’s up with the grump-master Knight in town?”

“Nope.”

“Oh come on Rose. That doctor-patient mumbo jumbo only works when there’s a real doctor involved. You can tell me,” Dave said, leaning over the counter to see what Rose was fetching.

“No,” Rose said again. Her tone was final but Dave groaned. “Dave, I am not divulging your friend’s medical history to you just because you’re running errands for him and because we happen to be related. Now,” she said, straightening out and handing Dave a paper bag with two little ceramic jars inside. “You will deliver this to Sir Karkat without peeking because if you let it come into contact with any sunlight it’ll expire. Then you’ll owe Karkat twelve silver pieces. And we all know you can’t afford that.”

“Shut up,” Dave grumbled. He turned to leave. “Oh,” he said before reaching for the doorknob. “Are you going to be able to make it to the merchants’ shin-dig this weekend or not?”

“I told you for three months straight now Dave: I have no intention of making a fool of myself in front of the entire town. And I have nothing fine enough to wear. So drop it,”

“Bullshit. You’ll come around soon enough. Besides, Karkat told me he’s heard for a fact that your little crush, the dressmaker, is going to be there for sure,” Dave said. He side-eyed Rose as he heard the small clatter of a jar hitting the floor.

“Kanaya’s going to be there?” Rose said, swooping down to pick up her mess. “That makes sense; she is in the Merchants’ Guild after all. One would expect her to be there.”

“By that logic, you’ll be there too. Unless you’ve finally tried to save some face and live up to all that ‘why should I pay their Guild fees on top of my taxes’ talk. Which I highly doubt,” Dave said.

“Shut up,” Rose sneered. They shared a quiet smile before he turned to leave.

Dave hit the dirt street one foot at a time. He suppressed the urge to hiss as he battled the bright noonday sun. It was hot and he was pale and those two things didn’t mix. Even after a little over two years of training with the Empire’s local regiment, Dave still sunburned like an Irishman two shades from albinism.

He was feeling a little devilish and vindictive because of the heat. He took the long route to get back to the barracks.

He passed the Zahhaks’ café and the Captors’ Library and the dingy little hovel where the drunks went to sleep after three rounds to many. He picked up his pace.

Dave stopped in front of the storefront he had chosen as his diversion for the day: Maryams’ Dress Shoppe. Dave grinned as he walked in.

He turned to the silver skinned girl at the counter buried in yards of lace trim.

“Dear, could I ask you a devious little favor?”


	2. Plot

Dave peered through the gloom of the dress shop, his eyes taking several seconds to adjust. The shopkeeper stared at him, trying to register his request.

“Whatever do you mean, Sir…?” she looked at the man in the knight garb and quirked an eyebrow.

“Sir David,” Dave said, smiling and strutting to the counter.

“Well then Sir David, I have no intention of doing favors for haughty strangers,” she said, returning to her measuring. “If you’re here to make a purchase, I’ll be glad to help you in a moment.”

Dave loitered around the shp, gazing at the shelves piled high with various silks and threads while the shopkeeper finished measuring and cutting her lace. He turned to her as she put away her work. “I need to ask a… peculiar favor. Or order. Whatever you want to call it. I need to surprise a cousin of mine without her finding out.”

Kanaya looked up at Dave. “Wouldn’t a surprise already entail her not finding out?”

“Well, yeah. But she’s pretty good at foiling surprises so it’s like I need an extra layer to adequately describe how secretive we’re being,” Dave said. He shrugged and Kanaya rolled her eyes. “So anyway…”

“Anyway..” Kanaya repeated as the two of them glanced around, trying to avoid the awkward pause already in effect.

“My cousin needs something snazzy for the Merchant’s Guild Ball. I have no idea what to do, but I’ve been saving up some silver pieces. And I thought, since you Maryams whip up the best work in town, when it comes to dresses and whatnot, that you could make her something real nice.”

“Well of course we could. It all depends on the monetary exchange waiting to happen, however. If you don’t have adequate payment I don’t think—” she stopped as Dave dropped a small pouch on the counter. The distinct jingle of a few dozen coins rattled through the shop.

“Will that do?” Dave asked.

“All of it?” Kanaya asked. Dave nodded. “Well then, that’s quite a lot of coinage for one dress, would you rather—”

“Do what you see fit, she just needs to look good for the Ball. Not that it’s going to guarantee she’s actually going to go, but it’s a step in the right direction,”

“Uh huh. Do you have her measurements? If I’m going to do this project of yours any justice, I think it’s imperative that her clothes actually fit,” Kanaya drawled out as she started to count Dave’s coins. Dave’s eyes widened.

“I need her measurements? When was that part of the deal? I’m not going to go up to her with a tape measure and go, ‘Hey cuz, wanna let me run this measuring utensil all over your body? Why? Oh no reason really, I’m just curious as to how all those pork chops you’ve been eating have affected your waist to hip ratio.’ Then she’ll smack me. We don’t want that. No one wants that.”

Kanaya heaved a sigh and shook her head. “How do you expect me to make a dress for someone without measurements? And to make it a surprise at that? You’re really asking for a miracle here, you know? Or do you not know that? DO you think just because you’ve got an adequate amount of currency on the counter that I can somehow perform  magic that warps and and all concepts of space and time? That’s ridiculous.”

“Or,” Dave said, throwing up his hands in a defensive manner. “Or, and hear me out, you could go down to her apothecary shop and scope her out for a little while. You know, to get a general idea of what would fit her,” Dave said.

Kanaya bit her bottom lip and thought it over. “That is a possibility. And I could manage to come up with some ruse as to why I’m down at the Apothecary… wait. Is your cousin that demure little blonde who runs the one down on Canal Street? I’ve been there a few times,”

“I know. Rose gets all googly eyed whenever you walk in for whatever you walk in for. She always stocks those funky black mushrooms just in case,” Dave said with a chuckle. Kanaya blushed a light shade of green.

“Really now?” she asked, twirling a little piece of lace in her fingers. “Well, regardless, considering how much you’ve paid me, I think I can manage. And once I get an idea, I’ll make some notes and whatnot so I’ll know for future reference,” she said, smiling a little.

“Well that’s cool I guess. You know where her place is so—”

“And I do need so more ingredients for dye anyway. That’ll be a great excuse to have Porrim start working on this order. She needs to start pulling some weight around here. That and I need to get a little sunlight…”

“Miss, you’re rambling. If we’ve got a deal, I’ll be on my way. I’ve got to get back to my barracks before dark and sitting here listening to you plot a visit to my cousin is getting pretty weird. So…” Dave said, taking a few steps to the door.

“I’ll get on it as soon as I get back,” Kanaya said, gathering a cloak and rounding the counter. She walked up to Dave’s side. “This will be fun. And I guess you were right in asking for a devious favor after all. I feel like a private investigator or some thief; its rather exhilarating. This will be so much fun,” she said with a smile.

“Right,” Dave said readjusting his tunic. “I’ve got to run so you do your thing. I’ll be back tomorrow to see if all’s gone well. Is that okay?” Dave asked.

“Of course, of course!” Kanaya said. Her smile gave away her enthusiasm for their plot. “I’ll try my best to get everything situated. We can discuss our future options tomorrow Sir David. It’s been a pleasure,” Kanaya said, offering her hand.

“The pleasure’s been all mine Miss Maryam,” Dave said, shaking the shopkeeper’s hand.

So far, so good.


	3. Discuss

Dave made quick work of returning to his barracks. His plots and schemes and devious detours were complete for the day. If he were a mastermind, his nefarious dealings would be wrapping up right… about…

“Hey, asshole!”

Of course. The instant he returned to his barracks, he’d show up. He always showed up when Dave was in a more-than-acceptably-positive-mood.

“Yes, Sir Karkat? How may I entertain you today, my good friend?” Dave said with a smirk and a sweeping bow.

“Don’t pull that mockery shit with me Strider. Where’s the spoils of the quest I sent you on?” Karkat asked, dropping his voice a few decibels at the end.

“Quest? I just picked up your prescription you melodramatic idiot. Here it is.” Dave tossed a package at his comrade and continued walking to his quarters at the other end of the fort. “Now stop harassing me about your medical shenanigans unless you’re going to start sharing the juicy tidbits with someone besides Rose.”

“Oh bite me.”

“Whatever. Tell me Mr. Crab-master, why couldn’t you go get this stuff yourself. I’m not complaining  about getting off base or anything, but I don’t need to be caught with some ointment for your junk.”

“It’s not for my junk you whiny little fuck!” Karkat growled. “I had business to attend to. Real business. Knight business.”

“Like what?”

“Like arranging security for that pretentious shindig the merchant’s guild is having at the end of the week. It’s such a damned pain,”

“I could imagine,” Dave said. The two of them crossed the courtyard, tinged gold in the late day. Dust kicked up as a few cavalry men crossed their path; Dave waved to the Nitram brothers as they passed. Dave and Karkat entered their shared quarters and immediately flopped down on their cots.

“So did you manage to get Rose a little bit excited for this weekend or not?” Karkat asked.

“I don’t know. She’s such a — what’s the word — enigma? Yeah, that. She… needed a little persuasion.” Dave said with a sigh. “I’ve put plan B into action ahead of schedule.”

“You’re joking, right? I thought we decided if anyone was going to put plan b into action, it was me you idiot. Besides, we never reached a concise agreement that plan b was necessary.” Karkat said. He             crossed his arms and scowled at Dave.

“Oh calm your tits Vantas. Plan B was necessary. Very much so. So much so that it probably shouldn’t even considered plan B. It’s more of plan A part two. Plan A two point o. Yup, that’s what it is. Rose wasn’t going to budge either way, so I went to Maryam’s, offered her an incentive to go scope out the fine Lalonde flavored goods and craft a gift of wooing. Kanaya is going to woo Rose until the cows come home, trust me.”

“I don’t care about cows, Dave, I care about Kanaya getting her feelings smashed to itty bitty pieces by your space case of a cousin.” Karkat said. He got up and strolled over to the little makeshift shelf at the end of the shack. He rifled through several of his paperback novellas and Dave groaned.

“Don’t start quoting your crummy romance novels to me Karkat. They’ve done nothing but ruin your relationship with Pyrope and get me kicked in the shins by every dude in the barracks. Don’t go messing with them when Rose or Kanaya are involved.”

Karkat pursed his lips and returned his book to the shelf, muttering something akin to ‘fair enough.’

~*~

Rose was tending to her potted plants. The day was quickly receding and she was humming to herself, trying to keep silence at bay. Her herbs were doing well, especially the rosemary and…

The bell at the door rang. Rose put her watering can down and strolled back through her little sunroom, through the stockroom at the back of her store, and to the counter. She busied herself with some scribbled paperwork to avoid the gaze of whoever was browsing through her wares.

“Hello, Miss?” the patron spoke up, approaching the counter. “Miss?”

Rose flipped through her papers. “Yes? How can I…?” Rose looked up and froze. She could feel a slight blush coming to life at the tip of her ears. It was that lovely dressmaker. “How can I help you?”

“Ah yes, I was looking for some materials to fashion a few fabric dyes,” Kanaya asked, putting her hands on the counter and slipping a shopping list forward to Rose. “I think you carry the most extensive stock in town so I came here first.”

“Well, I’m not the kind to brag,” Rose said. “But you made the right choice. Let’s see what you’re after, shall we?” Rose took the list from Kanaya and looked it over, nodded slowly to herself. “Oh I love saffron dyes. That’s got to be my favorite color. You’ve got to be working on something really, really special if you’re using saffron.”

“Oh not particularly. We’re just running low on a lot of things in the shop. We’re swamped with orders for this weekend, but we’re almost done with the work, so I came down to restock.” Kanaya gave a slight chuckle and took a moment to take in Rose’s form.

This is why she was really here. She needed to gauge Rose’s—admittedly lovely—physique. Her shoulders sloped downward and her bust was a little larger than average. Her arms were lean, very soft looking and freckled by the sun. Kanaya looked away and blushed jade.

“Well, I think it’s time we get started.” Rose circled the counter and made her way to her wall of shelves. She climbed a step ladder and began her search, Kanaya’s list in her hand. “I have some indigo cakes I got a few days ago, lots of turmeric, a little bit of tyrian leftover from an old order from the palace. I’ve also been experimenting with some dyer’s mulberry and woad, it makes this lovely bright green color.”

Kanaya wasn’t paying attention. Rose’s booty was up close, and Kanaya was trying to guess what…

“Miss? How much saffron would you like again?” Rose said. Kanaya snapped out of her trance and looked up at Rose holding a large jar of orange filaments.

“We like to keep at least five ounces in the shop at any given time,” Kanaya said.

“Five?!” Rose said, fumbling with the jar. “You do realize how expensive that is, right?”

“Oh yes, I understand. I have adequate coinage on my person for such a purchase. Don’t worry,” Kanaya said, waving her hand in dismissal.

Rose stepped down from her ladder and smiled. “Very well then miss,” she said. Rose led Kanaya through the shop for the next twenty minutes, picking and scooping and gathering up everything on her patron’s list.

She took the heap of herbs, spices, minerals and whatnot to her counter and whipped out her scale from under the counter. She gave Kanaya an upwards glance. “I’m pretty sure I won’t need this, either way you’ll be emptying your coin purse on the counter,”

“Oh I know that very well,” Kanaya said with a chuckle. “I’d just like to make exact change for you. Keep it simple,”

“Of course of course,” Rose said, nodding. She located a set of weights and made quick work of Kanaya’s order. The light was low, but Rose was used to it and soon chopped, masured, weighed and packaged everything Kanaya needed. She looked up, made some quick calculations on her notepad and pursed her lips.

“What’s wrong?” Kanaya asked.

“I… your order totals forty gold pieces and ten silver. I… I feel guilty my prices are so high,” Rose sighed, scratching away at her notes with a quill. Her eyes lit up. “I have a proposition,”

“Oh no dear, it’s okay… I have the—”

“I’ll knock you down to thirty gold pieces even if you can fulfill me an order at your dress shop,” Rose said.

Kanaya froze. “I guess we could work out an arrangement…”

“Lovely!” Rose said with a clap of her hands. Her eyes lit up and Kanaya couldn’t help but melt at the sight. “You see… with the Merchant’s Guild Ball this weekend, my cousin, he’s a knight, well…he and his regiment are going to be doing security, but really they’re going to party too. But he’s been, perhaps, one of the most unfashionable creatures to walk this earth. Regardless, I’d like to order something be made up for him. I think it’s only fair, he’s been running shipments for me for the past few months and helping me keep ne’er-do-wells away from the store front,”

“Is that so? He sounds sweet,” Kanaya said.

“Oh no, he’s a petulant little bastard most of the time. But he’s cool. In that dorky way little cousins are cool. And he’s been keeping an eye out for me ever since my mother went on her scouting trip to the islands.”

“Has she really?” Kanaya asked. “The islands are quite lovely this time of year. If you’re trying to start importing their wares, now would definitely be the time to do it.”

“Right?” Rose agreed, beginning to wrap Kayana’s order. “Either way she’s supposed to be returning sometime at the end of the month. Hopefully all went well.”

Kanaya gave a nod and a slight smile as Rose handed her a large satchel containing her materials. “I hope your mother returns safely Rose. Thank you,”

“No, thank you for the business. Not many patrons ask for so much in one day. Thank you,” Rose said, circling the counter and walking Kanaya to the door. Like a lady. “Please do come back soon.”

“I plan on it—” Kanaya was cut off. As soon as she and Rose were in the open doorway, a falcon swooped down and alighted on the window box by the door. Rose went to shoo it away but stopped when she noticed the letter fastened with lavender ribbon on its leg.

“Oh no...”

“What’s wrong?” Kanaya asked.

“Mother’s coming home early,”


	4. Reveal

“Oh good God no, no, no, no…” Rose muttered to herself, reading the letter. “No, no, no, no…”

“Is something wrong Miss? Did your mother’s trade plans fall through?” Kanaya asked, grazing Rose’s arm with her fingertips.

“Oh not at all. On the contrary, everything went swimmingly. She’s returning early and will be her tonight. Damn it all.” Rose huffed, stomping a foot. “I just broke it off with Jonathan and she wants to have dinner with the family and I’m going to look like such a fool. She would do this, trying to make me look like such… such a tramp.” Rose groaned and turned a shade of pink reminiscent of her namesake.

“Oh… well I’m sorry to hear that,” Kanaya said, stepping into the road.

“I don’t mean to trouble you with my familial problems. I’m so sorry Miss Kanaya. Don’t let me ruin your lovely day—” Rose said, freezing as a glint came to her eye. “Actually Kanaya, may I ask you a favor?”

“uh… I assume that’s okay. What can I help you with?” Kanaya asked, the slightest shade of green coming to her cheeks.

“Would you like to join me for dinner tonight at—” Rose double checked the letter, “my cousin, Prince Dirk of Uplandshire’s, country estate? It’s a short carriage ride to the north of here. My mother no doubt will be excited to hear I’m not giving the impression of a spinster-in-the-making.”

“Oh, I, uh… sure. I mean, if you’re not uncomfortable with a troll at a family dinner.” Kanaya said, shuffling her feet.

“Oh it’s no big deal amongst our family. Cousin Dirk dated a blueblooded noble for a while, something like Equus…”

“Equius?” Kanaya said, surprised.

“Yes, that fellow. He’s supposedly very important in troll society, right?” Rose asked.

“Somewhat. I’m just surprised to hear he had dated a human.” Kanaya admitted.

“Either way, are you comfortable joining us for dinner? It’s nothing fancy, just a welcome home thing for my mother. I’m asking you because you seem like a very lovely lady and I just don’t want to upset my mother with my maiden-hood,” Rose said with a chuckle. Kanaya smiled.

“I have no problem with it whatsoever. I do believe tonight will be nice. Perhaps I can secure future discounts on saffron,” Kanaya joked. Rose laughed.

“Yes indeed. I’ll be over at your dress shop latter this evening with my mother to pick you up. I’m so sorry this is very sudden and all. I hope I’m not imposing at all.” Rose said.

“Not at all.” Kanaya smiled and turned to go.

“One more thing!” Rose said, stepping onto the street. “I must admit… I’ve been hesitant to say this but… I’ve been... I… You’re a spectacularly talented seamstress and…” Rose blushed as she stammered. “Thank you for coming tonight,”

Kanaya stood there, staring at this white-blonde girl in the street, the one with an apron stained with crushed flowers and dried herbs. She smelt like rosemary and smoke. “Truthfully Miss Lalonde…” she leaned in towards Rose’s ear. “I have admired your work as well. See you tonight,” Kanaya whispered before turning and skipping down the street.

Rose couldn’t see it, but her dinner date was blushing a bright shade of jade.

The apothecary was still dark when Rose turned to go finish watering her plants. It was always dark. But this time around, Rose was too preoccupied with smiling like a fool to take note. She ran back to her plants, humming as she went. The rest of her chores were quick work now. She had something to look forward to.

Although…

“I need to tell Dave that Mother is on her way,” Rose said, caught between her Kanaya-induced joy and dismay she had to go up to the fort. She put down the rag she was cleaning the counter with and gave a slight groan.

~

Fort St. Jean was a hell hole. A giant block of stone housing some of the rowdiest and laziest soldiers in the Empire, the place was a nightmare. It was perfect for Dave, not so much for Rose. She could handle Dave, on the off day she could handle Karkat and maybe even Latula, but as for the rest of them, Rose bit her lip and walked the other way.

But today, now, was not the time she could afford to walk away. She stood at the gate and prodded Horuss in the shoulder.

“I’m here to see Sir David Strider. You know, an actual knight and not just the door boy,” Rose snapped. She had been waiting for ten minutes already and this troll was getting on her nerves.

“Now, now, Miss, I understand your frustrations, but I must make sure you have the proper clearance to enter Fort St. Jean. That’s my job and I must follow the orders handed down to me by…”

Rose wasn’t listening to the smiling troll babble anymore. Karkat was scittering across the courtyard beyond the gate. “VANTAS!” she yelled.

“What!” Karkat stopped and looked around for his assailant. Rose jumped up and down, waving a hand to get his attention. The instant Karkat made eye contact, he groaned. “Give me a minute Lalonde.”

Horuss gave a little sigh, stepping aside to let Karkat through the gate. Karkat grabbed Rose’s wrist and dragged her into the fort, grumbling the entire time. “You know better than to show up here unannounced. Security’s been tight and they aren’t just going to let you in,”

“I know, but it’s an emergency. I need to see Dave,” Rose said tripping over her feet to keep up with Karkat.

“Emergency?” Karkat said, letting go of her wrist finally. “What kind of emergency? Is everything okay?”

“It’s fine, just…” Rose huffed, rubbing her wrist. “Just let me see Dave.”

“Okay, follow me,” Karkat said, quieter, and with a slight nod. “I won’t pry, but what’s going on?” he asked.

“Family issues. That’s all. Just… don’t worry too much about it,” Rose muttered, running ahead of Karkat as Dave made an appearance at the door to his quarters. “STRIDER!”

“What? Yo, Rose what the hell are you doing here?” Dave asked, lighting cigarette and leaning against the doorframe.

“Mother is in town. Tonight. At Dirks…” Rose said, trying to catch her breath.

The cigarette fell out of Dave’s mouth and he just stared at Rose. He slowly closed his gaping mouth and took off his sunglasses. “Don’t go yanking my chain like that,” he said.

“I’m not. I got a letter via falcon about an hour and a half ago. We’re having dinner at Dirk’s this evening. That seamstress was in my store when I got the letter and I… sort of invited her to accompany me. So, you know, you might want to bring someone along. You don’t want me showing you up or anything—” Rose was cut off by Dave unleashing a groan.

“You’ve got to be kidding me! I send her over there to get the skinny on what’s up and you ask her out on a date?! That’s not how this was supposed to work!” Dave covered his face and shook his head. Karkat snickered as he pushed past Dave and entered their quarters.

“Wait, you sent Kanaya over to the Apothecary for what exactly?” Rose asked, her eyes narrowing and her arms crossed.

“Nothing!” Dave said, snapping to attention, a creeping blush on his face.

“Spit it out Strider or I’ll…” Rose paused.

“Or you’ll what? What are you going to do? Spray me with perfume?” Dave sneered.

“I’ll withhold all of Karkat’s future ointments!” Rose shouted. She was leaning forward, shouting more into the cabin than at Dave.

“YOU BETTER NOT!” Karkat shouted, scrambling out of his cot and falling to the floor. “Tell her everything! Now! I command it Strider!” Karkat shouted, running to the door. “I need those concoctions of hers!”

“Calm down short stuff. She isn’t going to stop giving you your junk cream, she’d lose business. And she can’t afford to lose business,” Dave chuckled, ruffling Karkat’s hair.

“David Eugene Strider, if you do not disclose your underhanded schemes right this instant, I will be forced to cut Karkat off. He’s only one customer, and yes, I can survive without his patronage,” Rose stated in a matter-of-fact tone.

Karkat flushed grey-red. “Dave went to the dressmaker’s place in Midtown to ask Kanaya to hang around your place and see if she could find out how to get you to go to the Merchant Guild’s ball this weekend. He paid her.” Karkat blurted out. Dave smacked him upside the head a mere second later.

“You…” Rose stammered. “You paid her to ask me to the Guild’s ball?” Rose said, turning pink.


	5. Schedule

“No! It’s not like that at all! Karkat Vantas is a filthy liar and you know it!” Dave said, stumbling backwards into his quarters. “I did not pay anyone to ask you out. I’m not some reverse pimp. I’d never do that to my beautiful and charismatic cousin. Never!” Dave tripped and fell on to his bed.

“David, I don’t believe you for a second,” Rose seethed.

Karkat, watching with wide eyes on the sidelines, found now to be the opportune moment to abscond. And abscond he did. Rose was bearing down on a flustered and squirming Dave, and the likelihood of things getting punchy was high. So high, in fact, that if Dave wasn’t a knight, he might have cowered on his flimsy mattress.

“Rose, I did not pay Kanaya Maryam, object of your affections and troll dressmaker extraordinaire, to ask you to the Merchant’s Guild Ball. I swear. I went there to… to have my cape hemmed. It’s dragging all on the ground and getting dirtier than a hog in the mud. Besides, shorter capes are in fashion now, aren’t they? I can’t be thought of as unfashionable. That would be a tragedy the like of which the Empire has never seen. Think of it, an unsightly Dave Strider? Devastating,” Dave said, shrinking against the wall.

“David…” Rose said through clenched teeth. She paused and thought over the possible course of events if she slapped a knight across the face. She decided against it. After all, she had no actual proof that he was lying. Kanaya _did_ have a shopping list after all. “You know what? I think the fact that I have a date for dinner with mother while you don’t is enough punishment for you. After all, you’ll have to explain to Dirk what happened between you and Terezi and…” Rose paused to give a delicate sigh, “besides, you’ll be squirming enough like the asshole you are then,”

Rose turned with a swish of her cloak and paraded out. Dave, heaving a sigh of relief, unwound and relaxed. He stood and looked out the door, watching Rose pace through the fort’s courtyard and out the gate, pushing Horuss aside as she left.

“Some days you can be such a crazy wench…” Dave muttered, leaning in the  doorway again, lighting a cigarette.

***

Three cigarettes and the return of his bunkmate later, Dave resigned to change into appropriate attire for dinner with the family. Seeing Dirk was of no special occasion, having grown up with his distant cousin-uncle-undefined-distant-relative since he was two. But Aunt Roxy? That was a whole different league of family affairs.

“I should shave your head in your sleep for trying to sell me out like that,” Dave said, shooting a half-hearted death glare at Karkat. “I don’t know why you’re so obsessed with your junk cream, but I’d never sell you out if you were trying to help Kankri out with something. God damn it Karkat, she almost found out!”

“So?” Karkat asked. “My medications matter more than you trying to play cupid. And besides, if you hadn’t done any of this, you wouldn’t have to worry about looking like a single jackass tonight.”

“Don’t remind me,” Dave groaned.

“No, I think I will. Repeatedly. And it’s because you almost put my health in danger in favor of being a meddlesome little fuckwad.”

“Oh come off of it. You need junk cream, big whoop. There are plenty of mages and witches out there that’d play some voodoo stuff with your tentacle-dick and you’d be fine.” Dave said with a snicker.

“For the last _fucking_ time Strider, I don’t get dick cream from your cousin! It’s a topical ointment for…” Karkat railed of and turned away.

Dave scoffed. “Save it. Until you decide to be decent bro and level with me what’s up, I’m going to keep assuming you’re getting medicated lube or whatever from Rose.” Davie stood up and adjusted his tunic. “Regardless, we’re not talking about your dick cream anyway. We’re talking about you being a massive douche and almost flushing out plans down the drain.”

 “Whatever…” Karkat mumbled. “So are you going to ask Terezi to dinner or not?”

“Not. I told the instant she started fraternizing with the enemy we were done for good. Naw, I’ll just have to march into the dining hall and proudly display my bachelorhood for the entire world to see.” Dave said, puffing out his chest.

“Sounds horrible,” Karkat said with a snort.

“I know…” Dave groaned. He paused and snapped his head around to stare at Karkat. “Unless you would like to join me.”

“Wha…”

“Yeah! I mean, Rose is taking Kanaya and Aunt Roxy doesn’t give a shit if someone’s dating a troll and Dirk is all peaches and cream with the dating a dude thing. Yeah! Hey Karkat, want to be my fake boyfriend for tonight?”

Karkat fell off his bed. “Why!?”

“Because we’ve had plenty of drunk smooches and I’m damned sure you’ve got nothing else to do tonight,” Dave said. Karkat, now a deepening shade of red, jumped up and turned away from Dave. He busied himself with his sparse bookshelf.

“This would be stupid,” Karkat mumbled, flipping through a paperback.

“You know what else is stupid? Scheming at a dress shop to get Kanaya to ask out Rose. You know what else is stupid? Me spending two months’ salary in said scheme. You know what else is stupid? You sitting here for the rest for the night buried in your silly romance novels that only make you pine for lads and lasses you could never lasso into your funky troll quadrants,” Dave said, his arms crossed and a smug look on his face.

“I actually don’t have much of a retort to that,” Karkat said, his face blank and his lips moving just enough to let the admission out.

“So I take that as a yes?” Dave asked.

“You can take that however you like. Because either way I’m going to need a few minutes to get out of this dingy uniform and into something respectable enough to have dinner with a prince and his fucked up family.” Karkat spat, the corner of his mouth tugged ever so slightly upward.

Dave nodded and turned. He turned, lit another cigarette and smiled to himself. Meddling in her affairs or not, Dave wasn’t about to let Rose show him up in front of his Aunt. He sure as hell wasn’t about to be one upped in front of his Bro.

Dave thanked God for Karkat Vantas.


	6. Dress

Getting gussied up was not fun. Nor easy. Especially for a lady who ran an apothecary and, as such, was usually wearing an apron covered in who knows what. Rose sighed and did her absolute best to lace up the back of her dress, struggling in front of the mirror, her arms contorted into a knot. She groaned a very loud groan as she heard someone enter the shop downstairs.

“I’ll be with you in a minute! But I’m closing soon so hurry up!” Rose shouted out the door and down the stairs.

“Oh, no Rose it’s me, Kanaya.”

Rose went pale for a split second. She fumbled with her dress and tripped on the stool in front of her mirror.  She fell into the dresser and looked up, mortified. Kanaya Maryam was in her house and she, Rose Lalonde, was only half dressed.

“Is everything quite alright?” Kanaya called up the stairs. “It sounds like something fell. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine! I’m just trying to lace up this dress. No big deal. Don’t fret. I’ll be down there momentarily.” Rose said, standing up and noticing her blushing face. She grumbled to herself as she tried, yet again, and groaned. There was no use. She was no good at this dressing fancy business.

“Are you okay Rose?” Kanaya called up the stairs again.

“I’m…” Rose paused and bit her lip. “I’m having some difficulty with this dress. I can’t lace up the back. Give me a second, I’ll find something easier to get on…”

“Do you need help? Rose?” Kanaya asked, taking a tentative step up the stairs at the side of Rose’s shop. It was dark but she could see the light pouring out of the upstairs bedroom and into the narrow hall.

Rose froze.

“Rose?” Kanaya called again, taking another step.

“Um…” Rose mumbled, fidgeting with her laces even more. “If you wouldn’t mind. That would be a true relief. Really. I’m no good with dresses and laces and whatnot. I’d—” Rose turned to see Kanaya in the door. She yelped and fell down on to her stool, hands scrambling to hold up the front of her dress.

“You’re lucky this is my specialty. I’m surrounded by dresses and corset and ribbon laces all day every day. Don’t fret,” Kanaya said with a slight smile on her lips. She took a light step into Rose’s room. “May I?” she asked, gesturing to Roses dress.

“I… uh, sure? Of course. It would be much appreciated.” Rose stood, still stumbling over her words. Kanaya paced forward, took the lavender silk ribbons in her hands and began weaving the ribbons into place.

“This is a very well-tailored piece, if a little old. May I ask, what house had its hand in its creation?” Kanaya asked, taking a peek at the sewn in tag. She made a quick mental note of the measurements listed on it.

“Oh this old thing? It was my mother’s. I think she had gotten it from Sky something or another. I don’t remember exactly, she got it on a trip the coast years ago. It’s my only dress,” Rose said, waving a hand in dismissal.

“Oh really? Your only dress? I’d have thought a lady running such a successful business would need at least a few dresses to entertain with.” Kanaya remarked, looping the ends of the ribbons into an artful bow.

“I don’t entertain much. I work mostly. And ward off my cousin from stealing hallucinogenic herbs from my back room.” Rose said, a little laugh escaping her. She turned to Kanaya and shrugged. “I guess all work and no play has made Rose a dull lass,”

Kanaya frowned. “I don’t think you’re dull at all Rose. Goodness, I don’t know any other lady in town who’d ask someone to dinner a mere five minutes after putting together an order for them. You’re—different no doubt— but interesting first and foremost.” Kanaya smiled now. “Don’t shortchange yourself. Get out a little more,” she said.

Rose rolled her eyes. “I think tonight’s going to be all the getting out I’ll have for a while. I mean, yeah Dave’s pestering me about the Merchant’s guild ball…” she said, turning to grab a small purse off her dresser. “But I’ll be damned if I end up going to such an event alone and dressed in out of style rags. I look like a fool enough.”

Rose shrugged again and walked out to the hall, Kanaya following her. The troll lady listened carefully, waiting, anticipating, hoping for an opening. Kanaya bit her lips as Rose continued talking, leading her downstairs and into the shop.

“I’m tired of this pushing he does. I mean yeah, he’s got good intentions, but I mean…” Rose paused, thinking over what she had learned earlier in the day. She turned to look over Kanaya. “He’s a dick. Sometimes. The good intentions don’t change that.”

Kanaya noticed Rose looking at her. Was it the dress? Too flashy? Too much skin? Kanaya knew black was a color of mourning for humans, but Rose was wearing a lot of it as well. What was the problem? Was it her hair? No…

“You okay?” Rose asked.

“Oh?!” Kanaya snapped away from her thoughts and smiled. She stepped down from the stairs and into Rose’s shop. “I’m fine, just thinking. You said your cousin was Dave? As in Sir David Strider?”

“Yeah… you know him?” Rose asked.

“Oh, well yes actually.”

Rose’s eyes narrowed. “How? I didn’t think he’d be going to get dresses being a knight and all,” Rose said, the suspicion on her voice almost evident.

Kanaya froze. She had to figure out how she could explain that slip up. Oh dear, had she blown it already? No, of course not. Rose didn’t know anything of what had transpired between her and Dave. Right?

“He came in a while ago for some altercations to his uniform. Porrim handled most of it actually. I had only hemmed his cape I think. Nothing spectacular,” Kanaya said. It was a boldface lie and she knew it. But Rose didn’t, and by the softening of her pale pink cheeks, the relaxed brow and the smiling lips, she gave away that she believed Kanaya.

“Aren’t shorter capes in style now anyway? No one wants those things dragging around in the dirt,” Rose said.

“Oh very true,” Kanaya said, smiling. They continued their banter about modern fashions for several more minutes as they sat in the window seat, waiting for the carriage to arrive.

Rose had scoffed at the insistence of her mother to allow Dirk to send her a carriage, but with enough arm twisting, Rose consented. She relaxed, glowed almost, with Kanaya in that little window seat. The early evening sun slanted through the window and, though neither of them would admit it, they thought the other looked stunning. Kanaya’s blush was a faint jade, Rose’s a strong pink. Serendipity had brought them together, or so Rose had thought. But it didn’t matter, this was nice.

Rose was genuinely happy. That was a first in a long time for her.

Rose thanked God for Kanaya Maryam.


	7. Ride

Dave and Karkat were tangled in a cape. There wasn’t much else going on, and even though they fought and struggled and cussed like sailors, they stayed stuck until the two of them collapsed on to Dave’s cot.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“Listen, just reach over there and unfasten it all casual like and boom, we can deal with this like the classy gentlemen we were born to be.”

“Are you denser than rock? I told you, my arm is stuck.”

“You have two, don’t you?”

“Yeah, and the other one is trapped between your thunder thighs, captain dumbass.”

“Oh? Getting frisky are we? Goodness, you’re such a forward young sir, I may have to swoon appropriately for a little while. Catch me.”

“Cut the shit you chute licking twerp. My arm is cramping up. Move your leg.”

“Are my thighs cramping your style. You know I’d never do that intentionally dear Sir—”

“SHUT UP. Move your damned leg and I can get somewhat untangled from your nasty ass backside.”

“My backside is of the finest quality thank you very little.”

“Your backside it trying to fuse with my face, I don’t care how fine you think it is, get off!”

“Oh come on dude, don’t you want to go through a metamorphosis with my rear end and ascend to the higher plane of being with my ass as your personal Sherpa?”

“Can it you idiot and move it or I’ll bite.”

“Ohh kinky…”

“GET OFF!”

“Isn’t that what you’re trying to do?”

“…”

“Huh? You’ve been all touchy feely like a blind man in a strip club and then you started talking about biting. I’m only putting two and two together here…”

“GET OFF OF ME, DAVE. GET OFF OF ME OR I WILL KILL YOU!” Karkat roared, chomping down on Dave’s buttock. Dave yelped and swung his legs around, thus freeing Karkat’s arm.

“You weirdo. You actually freaking bit me. God…” Dave said, rubbing his butt and pouting. It didn’t really hurt, but the fact Karkat had a moment of being feral kind of ruined the mood.

Dave, still tangled up in his dress cape, flailed for a moment until Karkat managed to unfasten the clasp near his throat. The two of them wrenched apart. Karkat fell back into the cot while Dave tripped forward into Karkat’s bookshelf.

“Jeez… that’s a hell of a lot of trouble for a cape,” Dave said with a shrug. “Are they even in fashion anymore? Like, who even decides anymore? For all we know these aren’t fashionable, they probably make all us dudes look like massive out of style dorks. Not even in the cool vintage way either. Just dorks. Plain old dorks. The uncool sort of dorks who hole up in guild basements and mix mercury and gunpowder together. No one wants to be that guy. Not me, that’s for sure. I don’t think I could handle smelling like an alchemists ass end. No one wants that.”

Karkat scowled. “Do you ever shut up? All you do is run your mouth until everyone in a five mile radius has bloody eardrums. No one wants _that_.”

“Oh shut up Kar…” Dave said with a laugh. “Get up and give me my cape. Dirk sent a carriage for us and it’s only a matter of time before it arrives. Come on, you’re not even presentable.”

“Excuse me? Is there something wrong with the way I look?” Karkat asked, arms crossed, cape wrapped around him like a drunken mummy.

“What? You mean besides your shortness that would put a dwarf to shame?” Dave asked.

“Shut the fuck up Strider.”

“Comb your hair. Please. Dirk can be a bit of a hard ass. I mean, he’s all good with troll-folk, but he’s a stickler for following some twisted old fashioned rules and whatnot.” Dave said, smoothing out the wrinkles in his tunic. He turned to Karkat and snatched at his cape.

“Watch it!” Karkat snapped. “If you can’t tell I’m still kind of stuck in this death trap. I don’t need you strangling me with your pretentious fabric back flap of doom.”

Dave rolled his eyes and unwound Karkat as if he were some fine porcelain doll wrapped up in tissue paper. Karkat smiled and nodded, appreciative of the gesture. Wardrobe malfunction aside, they got up, dusted themselves off and looked each over.

“You clean up good for a fake date, Sir Vantas.”

“You’re still a longwinded asshole, fine clothing and appearance aside, Sir Strider.”

“I shall take that as a compliment.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“But look! I already have. The compliment is seeping into my very being, merging with my soul, augmenting my spiritual energy tenfold.”

“And there it goes… a wasted non-compliment. What a shame it must fuse with an asinine beige creature such as you as an end of its sarcastic life.”

“Shame? No… never! The honor to ascend to proverbial godhood as part of my spirit has rendered this compliment among the best that has ever been bestowed on my person.”

“Holy hell just shut the fuck up Dave. You look nice, big whoop,” Karkat said, rolling his eyes and pacing to the door.  “If you let it go to your head I’m not going to be your fake date anymore.”

“Oh pfft…” Dave scoffed. “And what else are you going to do tonight in that lovely getup I let you borrow?”

“I’ll go to a tavern and get wasted and crawl back here on my hands and knees while the whole town laughs. Clearly you would like that.”

“Oh shut up Vantas. I want you to quit being such a grump ass and just play house with me for one night. Is that really so much to ask?”

“No…” Karkat mumbled, a faint red blush tinting his face. “I’m happy too. I just don’t see why you’ve got to make such a fuss one-upping Rose all the time. And I don’t see why there’s so much pressure to impress your… brother…? Uncle?”

“First-cousin, once removed. But that’s not important. What’s important is that Dirk and Aunt Roxy have standards and expectations of me and Rose. And if we don’t meet those expectations, we’ll be disowned or shunned or banished to the swampy wastes of the north.” Dave chewed his lip and crossed his arms. There was no way he wanted to talk to Karkat about this. “Just…”

Karkat looked back at Dave. The human man-child was stumbling over his words. That was not normal. Karkat stepped over to him. “Dave, dude, don’t worry about it. I can fake politeness and manners and good conversation. You know that. Nothing is going to go wrong. Just get that idea of having to do better than Rose out of your head. Especially considering you’re the dunk-ass who set her up with Kanaya.”

Dave froze. A smirk crossed his lips. “Did you just call me a dunk ass?”

***

The carriage sent for them came soon enough. The town streets passed by without much event. Karkat and Dave stared out the windows, eyes glazed over, not a word between them. The driver, some faceless troll Dirk had hired for the night, was gruff, just as silent as the knights, and slightly imposing. Maybe if it weren’t for the beard and scars, Save and Karkat might have been at ease enough to talk.

“So…” Karkat mumbled. “Your first-cousin once removed is a prince, huh?” He asked, drumming his fingers on his knee.

“I just call him my Bro, but yeah.”

“So since you’re his heir apparent, you’re the next in line for the title or whatever?” Karkat looked over at Dave.

“Don’t remind me.” Dave grumbled.

“Why not? That’s actually pretty cool. You’re going to have a castle and a little kingdom and you’ll be set for life. That’s actually really cool.” Karkat said, sitting up. His eyes were a little wider, his posture a little more relaxed. It was as if they were back at the barracks instead of in a velvet lined carriage with a pirate-y chauffer.

“I’m not going to see any of that. I’m a knight, I’ll die before Bro does.” Dave muttered, crossing his arms and sinking into the seat a little.

“I doubt it.” Karkat scoffed. “We’re stationed at St. Jean… no one here does anything but clean the Empress’s stables and dredges up the bottom of the moat. You’re not going to see battle. You’re not going to perish. Unless Dirk is some secret dark wizard with the secret to immortality, I really don’t think you’re going to beat him to the grave.”

“Shut up,” Dave snapped. “I don’t want to be no damned prince of some damned estate some distant relative of mine inherited from some other distant relative of mine. Rose can have it for all I fucking care. I’d rather be another dead night in a ditch than live up to some standard some dead distant relative of mine set for all his kin until the end of time.”

Karkat froze. Dave kept staring out the window, lips pursed, brow furrowed. Karkat fell silent and slid over an inch or two closer to Dave. “Dave… that’s ridiculous. You don’t have to do anything dumb to relinquish whatever it is about… your family, that you don’t like. You don’t have to die to avoid this whole thing. Just abdicate or whatever it is…”

“Stop talking Karkat. You don’t understand.” Dave said. Karkat gave a slight nod. The rest of the ride was awkward silence, amplified even further by Dave’s awkward outburst. Karkat resumed drumming his fingers on his thighs until the lights of town faded from view and the green lawns of Dirk’s estate came into view.

“How high class am I going to have to act in order to help you one-up Rose?” Karkat asked.

Dave snorted and laughed. “One-upping Rose is going to be easy. Out doing Kanaya might be troublesome. All you need to know is the salad fork is smaller than the dinner fork and that for every sip of wine you take, make sure you down at least two sips of water,” Dave said. Karkat nodded and gave a little shrug, readjusted his overcoat, and looked out the window again.

Dirk’s estate was built on acres upon acres of perfectly manicured lawns rolling outwards from the manor like a sheet of green velvet. Even in the low evening light, the place gave off an air of perfection. Karkat inhaled a little too loudly and Dave cocked an eyebrow.

“You’re far too easily impressed,” Dave laughed. “So what if he’s got a perfect lawn and perfect hedges and a perfect cobblestoned driveway. This place ain’t all it appears Karkat. Tamp down that wriggly boner of yours. It’s just a house.”

“It’s a big house…”

“Well it _is_ a castle.”

“It’s a freaking palace.”

“Yeah, I guess you could call it that too.”

“I guess you weren’t lying about that whole Prince thing.”

“Why would I lie about something like that?”

“You have a habit of exaggerating things, Dave.”

“And you have a habit of buying tawdry romance novels at seedy bookstores just to get your fix of funky quadrant love affairs. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to take your advice about love and junk.”

“Good. After all, my advice will always remain the pinnacle of my race’s offerings to today’s society. You are blessed with my very presence, never mind my romantic advice.”

“Oh good God shut your trap or you’ll find yourself too at home with these pretentious wads of gilded horseshit. Tone it down. If not just for the sake of my Bro falling head over heels in love with you and forcing me to get down on one knee and asking for your hand in marriage.” Dave said, smirking at Karkat.

“Red or Pale?” Karkat asked with laugh.

“Red. Totally red. I don’t think Dirk is much fond of the quadrant system. And for that matter, I don’t think I can do it all that great either.” Dave said, shrugging and looking out the window as they made their way up the driveway.

“Awesome, let me keep talking about my greatness, and then your Bro can force us into red marriage. Great plan. What a great fake date. We have outdone everyone’s expectations, even our own.” Karkat descended into laughter and Dave soon followed. The carriage driver rolled his eyes as they came to a stop in front of the castle.

***

Dave and Karkat elected to sit in the carriage and wait for Rose and Kanaya to arrive. Was it a stupid delay tactic? Definitely. Did it leave them the opportunity to avoid contact with palace people and their affairs? Obviously. And that’s all Dave wanted at that point.

Karkat had procured his pipe from a pocket in his coat and the two of them passed it back and forth for a few minutes.

“Do you really think you’d be no good at quadrant love?” Karkat asked, smoke swirling around his head.

“I’m human. Our capability to handle plain old red romance is limited. I don’t think we could handle black flirting, never mind black love affairs.”

“Hate affairs.”

“Whatever.”

“I don’t know Dave, I think you’re definitely capable. I mean, look at you and Rose. That’s a textbook moirallegiance. Or… at least kind of.” Karkat, shrugging and taking a puff off his pipe.

“How do you figure that?” Dave asked, leaning forward just a bit.

“You meddle in her affairs. She meddles in yours. You snap back and forth to keep each other in line. But even with all of that, you two care for the other’s wellbeing,” Karkat said, handing Dave the pipe again. “I honestly think without her, you’d be lost. And vice versa.”

“You’re welcome to think that.” Dave said, shrugging. “I don’t know if she and I really qualify for your funky quadrant love. I don’t think any human can. Name just one human in a healthy kismessitude. Ten gold pieces says you can’t.” Dave handed Karkat his pipe.

“Hmm…” Karkat pondered, puffing on the smoke. “How about that Sir Harley fellow and the Empress?”

“That does not count,” Dave said, wagging his finger. “For one, the Empress isn’t in any official type of relationship. And besides, Jade’s grandfather wasn’t really ‘romantic’ in any sense. Or at least according to her.” Dave shrugged.

“Touché.” Karkat managed to finish smoking his pipe and set it down on the seat. “Regardless, I still think you and Rose qualify as a moirallegiance At least by definition, even if you don’t think its official or anything.”

“Oh barf. She’s my cousin, isn’t that like some twisted backwater pale incest or some shit?”

“I don’t think it would be. But then again trolls don’t really prescribe to the whole incest idea.”

“Yeah, that’s not really a thing for your folk, huh?”

“Not at all.”

“Weird.”

“Says the guy who won’t believe in quadrants.”

“I never said I don’t believe in them. I just don’t think they’re applicable to humans,” Dave said, smoothing out his tunic and grabbing the handle to the carriage door. “Whatever… I think that’s the ladies now. Look,” Dave said, pointing out the window and down the drive.

Another black carriage, identical to the one Dave and Karkat were sitting in, was rolling up the cobblestone drive. Karkat gulped and turned back to look at Dave.

“So this is it?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

“This is it. Zero hour. Fake date time. You get to try and one-up Rose and I get to be your pretend boyfriend just to impress your first-cousin once removed. This is it, huh?” Karkat asked.

Dave smiled. “Karkat, first of all, he’s Bro. And man… you’re going to be fine. This isn’t one of your romance novels. I mean… yeah there’s two nights and a prince and stunning ladies, both human and troll… But this isn’t a fantasy. There’s no mystical romantic force at work here. Chill out.”

“No mystical romantic force? What do you call being matchmaker for Rose? You know… setting her up with the most talented seamstress in town and getting them ready for the Merchant’s Guild Ball.” Karkat scoffed. “Nope there’s no mystical romantic work here at all.”

“You’re right,” Dave said, his smile vanishing. “There is no mystical hoo-hah at work. It’s just me, trying to make sure Rose does her absolute best. I mean, one of us has to, right? Why not have it be her? She’s the one who’s going to impress Dirk and Aunt Roxy with her work. So why not let her have the whole package? Great work, great romance, great looks.”

“What are you babbling about now?” Karkat asked.

“Listen,” Dave said, sighing. “If anyone in this family is going to do well, it’s Rose. And I’m just meddling to make sure that happens.”

“Huh.”

“Now, Karkat, get your ass going. We have a fake date to get started.”

 


	8. Greet

Rose Lalonde took a step out of the carriage, draped in finery and looking like a lady of the court for the first time in her life. Just like her mother had wanted. Just like her distant Uncle would like. She was dressed just like it was expected of her.

And golly gee did she detest it.

“I don’t understand what’s so damned special about embroidered pearls. They just feel like little scabs…” she griped, turning to face her lovely lady-date.

Kanaya smiled and quirked one of her eyebrows. “You do realize you’re talking to a professional seamstress. That’s my livelihood your complaining about.”

Rose turned a tulip-esque shade of pink. “I’m sorry I didn’t…”

“It’s alright. I know what you meant.” Kanaya laughed a little and stepped out of the carriage. “I’m just yanking your metaphorical chain.” The twilight did wonders on her beauty. The silver-skinned lady almost seemed to glow in the low light.

The romantic moment did not last. Two men, two _knights_ , strolled over from their own carriage, boots clacking on the masonry, and made their presence known.

“Well, why don’t you look at this gaggle of fine looking young adults? I’m stunned. It’s as if a pagan goddess of radiance took a pit stop on her road trip to Mount Olympus for the long weekend and decided to perk up the shabby surroundings. I am most pleasantly surprised.”

“Dave, shut the hell up,” Rose said, face and voice impassive. Both Karkat and Kanaya snickered.

Dave slumped a bit and groaned, all for the melodramatic effect. “Dearest cousin, please do keep a civil tongue, we are at a fine estate surrounded by fine people and fine things and I do believe it pertinent to present the best versions of oursel—”

“David Strider, dearest cousin, I will only say this once: Shut the fuck up.” Rose said, eyes lit up with an angry glint. “I know what you’re doing. You’re purposely trying to look like an ass in order to detract from the fact that I managed to wrangle a date.”

“Oh?” Dave said, his faux noble persona evaporating. “But you see dearest cousin, I have found a date as well.”

Dave grinned and grabbed Karkat by the wrist. Dragging him flush to his side, he scoffed. Rose took a half step back, looked her friend and customer up and down and cracked the faintest of smiles.

“Very well played cousin…” she snickered.

“Am I… missing something here?” Kanaya said, looking between Dave and Karkat and Rose and back again. Rose turned a deeper shade of blushing fool and gulped.

“It’s nothing Kanaya. I just thought you’d like to know I’m very surprised my cousin David managed to con some sucker into attending dinner with him.” Rose said, side eyeing Dave only in the slightest.

“You say that as if tonight’s going to be a disaster,” Karkat said, wrenching his arm out of Dave’s grip at long last. “What’s so bad about having dinner with your two’s relatives anyway?”

“I must ask the same,” Kanaya said.

Rose and Dave went silent and limp. Rose clearly did not want to scare her date away and David still had money on the table trying to hook the pretty jade troll up with his cousin. Saying they were luring her, and Karkat, into a wasp’s nest of loud and picky relatives.

Dave gulped. “You know how families are… never happy with one another’s company.”

“Yeah,” Rose agreed. “It’s just typical familial interaction. You know how it is.”

“Actually we don’t, Karkat said. Dave elbowed him and the troll boy bit his lower lip in discomfort.

“He’s right though,” Kanaya said, looking to Rose with a conflicted look in her eyes. “We don’t get this. And from the sounds of it, you and Dave lured us into a death trap while trying to one-up each other.”

“It’s not like that at all!” Dave and Rose said in unison.

“Oh?” Karkat asked, smirk growing. “Then what is it? Are we going to a secret meeting of the dumbass cult? Is this some massive prank? Cause I know we’ve set this up all good and—”

Dave elbowed Karkat. Hard. The short little troll whined and turned around to stamp his foot.

“Set this up?” Rose said, sneering and cocking an eyebrow. “I thought you told me you hadn’t set anything up. Or were you lying to me?” Rose asked, arms crossed in front of her. Her blush of slight embarrassment was deepening, growing an angered shade of pink.

“I told you Rose, I did not set anything—”

Dave was cut off. A doorman to the palace had, as the clock struck seven and a bell somewhere was chiming the hour, opened the grand oaken doors and let out the beast. Said beast being a wisp of a woman, decked in an equally wispy gown, strolled out.

“Look at my baby girl!”

Rose dropped her head. “Dear God, no…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is short. And there is a reason for that I swear.


	9. Dine

“Baby girl!!!”

Rose dropped her head, shaking only in the slightest. The hem of her gown swished, her sleeve pulling some as she reached out for Kanaya. The lithe troll took her friend’s hand. Looking Rose over once and then twice, Kanaya gave a faint nod and smiled for the show.

“Baby girl!!!”

Rose looked up at the woman in the dainty pink dress, a silver goblet in her hand. Forcing a pained smile, Rose stepped closer. Kanaya followed her.

“Baby girl!!!” the woman said yet again.

“Yes Mother, I’m your daughter. I think everyone in a seven mile radius understands this now.” Rose said, the forced smile not big enough to disguise her sarcasm. Dave, off the side, snickered.

“Oh look at you, still sharp as a dagger. And you’ve dressed so glamorously for tonight. You have no idea how ecstatic I am to see that.” The woman smiled, held up a finger to stifle any reply, and sipped from her wine. “So how goes the shop tending?”

“Adequately.”

“Is that so?”

“Very much so.”

“Oh I’m so happy to hear you’ve done such a good job.”

“If you don’t believe me why don’t you just ask Dave?”

“Little Davey?!” Rose’s mother said, perking up and spinning to face the two knights. A little wine sloshed out of her glass and splattered on the cobblestones, but she was still beaming. “Davey!”

“Hello Aunt Roxanne.” Dave stepped forward, one hand outstretched towards his aunt, the other latched onto Karkat’s wrist, dragging him along. “It’s a pleasure to see you again.”

“Likewise my favorite nephew,” Roxanne said, slurring just ever so slightly. She reached out with her free hand and took a hold of Dave’s. He smiled, stepped forward a little more and bowed to kiss the lady’s hand.

“How was your trip?” Dave asked, straightening himself.

“Oh pshaw…” Roxanne scoffed. “Let’s save such boring stories for the dinner table.”

Dave frowned, looking to Rose for a moment, and then back to his aunt. Roxanne picked up on the distress call. Turning, she smiled at her daughter and sloshed her drink about.

“I see you two charming young adults have brought yet another two hopefully charming adults to dinner tonight. How wonderful!” Roxanne sipped from her drink and turned back to the palace, teetering a bit in her shoes. “We’ll have to get to know each other much better before dinner. Come along!”

She beckoned them to follow her, a waving hand encouraging the four guests to hurry along. Roxanne wobbled a bit in her strut, but made her way up the steps and into the manor.

Rose sighed. Dave shook his head.  All four of them followed.

***

Kanaya and Karkat exchanged glances the entire time. The four of them, plus Roxanne, sat around an ornate dining table in a grand hall. Walls of expertly cut stone, panels of rich woods, fixtures gilded in the finest of gold and dishes polished within an inch of being a mirror made both trolls realize what they were dealing with: a Prince.

Now of course it was just a powerless title, but the luxury that surrounded that dinner table made it clear. Abundantly clear. Unbelievably clear. Prince Broderick Strider was a man of wealth and taste. Granted, the host wasn’t present. No. He was off finishing some obscure task as his guests waited with twiddling thumbs and swinging feet at the dinner table.

Rose sat, tracing her goblet with her fingertip. She sighed. Looking over to Kanaya she bit her lip. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?” Kanaya asked.

“Dragging you into this lair of utter despair, and mostly,” Rose whispered, “I’m sorry for getting such a wonderful person involved in one of the most dysfunctional and convoluted family in the province.”

Kanaya blinked. “You really shouldn’t worry. I’m having a pleasant time tonight. Your uncle’s home is quite lovely.”

“That’s not the point though,” Rose said, frowning as she stared into the pewter plates on the table. “You really do deserve better than to be pulled into my family’s dramatics.”

“Do not worry so much Rose. Even if tonight isn’t the greatest, that just means any future endeavors between us will seem all the better,” Kanaya said with a smile.

“Future…” Rose paused. “Oh dear, I really do doubt you’ll want anything to do with me after tonight.”

Kanaya shook her head, a faint smile painted on her lips. “Don’t be so sure Rose. Perhaps you and I could attend the Merchant’s Guild Ball. Together.”

Rose froze. Her cheeks flushed a delicate hue of stunned. She looked down, her hands trembling ever so slightly in her lap. “If,” she began, “I manage to leave a good enough impression on you tonight, and you don’t end up leaving here screaming, I would love that.”

The were some loud murmurs across the table. Rose and Kanaya looked up to see both Dave and Karkat flushed red and covering their mouths. This little outburst snapped Roxanne’s attention away from the servant-troll in serving her a glass of fine white wine.

“Oh dear, have I missed something?” she asked. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Dave replied in an instant. “Nothing at all. Karkat and I must step out for a moment. Pardon us…” Dave said, sliding his chair back and standing.

“Leaving already?” a rough voice called out. Dave froze, the color draining from his face.  “But your host just arrived. Don’t you think that’d be a tad rude?”

“Yes David, wouldn’t you think that to be a tad rude?” Rose sneered as she looked up at Dave. “Why not sit for a moment longer. Uncle Broderick has finally arrived.”

“It’s a pleasure to see you as well Rose,” Broderick said with a smile, strolling over to the table, magenta cape trailing behind him. He beamed and opened his arms in offering of a hug to his neice. Rose stood and turned to embrace him.

“I’ve missed you sir,” she eked out, smiling into his shoulder.

Broderick smiled, releasing her from the embrace, stepping back, and looking her over. “My, you’ve certainly been growing up. You know dear, you are welcome here any time. In fact…”

Dave stared. Everything between Broderick and anyone always went so smoothly. Perfectly. Astonishingly well. He bit his lip, scowled, and sat back down in his chair. Karkat turned to him.

“Are you alright?” he whispered.

“Peachy.”

Karkat frowned. “It doesn’t look like it.”

“We’ll talk later,” Dave replied through gritted teeth.

Rose and Broderick proceeded to gab like fools for the next minute or two, all to Dave’s dismay. Karkat looked at his faux-date for a moment, just as Prince Broderick was seating himself, and frowned. Something was wrong. Perhaps it wasn’t with the dinner so far, but with Dave. Karkat wrung his hands in his lap, trying to think.

“So David,” Broderick said, a small and smug smile on his face. “Are you going to introduce me to this dashing gentletroll, or are you going to sit there and twiddle your thumbs?”

Dave scowled. “Oh but Broderick, it would have been rude to disrupt your enriching reunion with Rose,” Dave spat. Broderick kept smiling.

“I suppose that’s true,” He sipped from his water and watched as his servants began filing out with dinner. “But now is as good a time as any to have a meet and greet with your boyfriend.”

Rose, Kanaya and Karkat all choked on a sip of water in unison. Roxanne looked up. “Is something the matter dears?”

“Nothing at all is the matter ma’am,” Dave said, sitting a little straighter as a bowl of soup, cream-of-some-random-vegetable actually, and smiled. “My dearest Bro was simply asking about Karkat.”

“Oh do tell us more,” Broderick said, ladling some soup onto his spoon.

Dave clenched his fist under the table. He was antagonizing him. Why? Anyone’s guess was valid at this point. It was all a game to this man, whether it was the time for game’s or not. Dave tried to keep on top of all the puzzles and mind games and squabbles, but it was tiring. Now friends were getting caught in the cross fire. _That’s_ what was infuriating Dave.

Not that Dave could react accordingly. This was a fancy dinner after all. That’s why everyone was decked to the nines. That’s why everyone was doing their best to hold their tongue.

The first course came and went, occupied with greetings and the stuffy formalities that drove both Dave and Rose insane.

The second course came and went, filled with discussion as to what Kanaya and Karkat did for a living and went as Roxanne fawned over Kanaya’s ideas for coming trends in the dress world. The men sat there, tight-lipped and aching to roll their eyes.

The third course arrived just in time for a conversation about family affairs. Both Rose and Dave sat up a little straighter, a little more at attention, and reached under the table for their date’s hand.

“So Rose, how’s business been?”


	10. Abscond

The fire coming off of the glint in Rose’s eye could have engulfed a battalion of soldiers. Dave, knowing what that look, that glare, that impending nightmare meant leaned away from her and towards Karkat. Rose set down her fork and smiled.

“Oh mother, I doubt you really want to bore everyone with financial problems and talk of inventory…” Rose drawled out, gripping her goblet tighter. Under the table she held onto Kanaya’s spindly fingers, clutching them like some prized jewel. Kanaya winced some.

“Oh Rose, I doubt it’s that boring. We’re a family of business after all,” Dirk said while moving the food around his plate. “Well, the majority of us are at least.”

Dave grew red faced. “And what’s that supposed to—”

“Oh but Uncle Broderick, it is rather dull. I spend my days counting plants and weighing dusty piles of dried herbs. At least when one is in service of the Empire, they do things of importance.” Rose said, flashing a half-second glance to Dave.

Dave huffed and squeezed at Karkat’s hand. The pewter flesh was reddening from the cut off circulation and Karkat tried his best to shake himself free. Dave wasn’t having it. He kept a tight hold on Karkat’s hand and continued trying to eat. With both hands occupied, he was less liable to slam them on the table.

“Regardless…” Broderick sipped from his goblet and looked at Roxanne. “Dear sister, how was your trip? Have we secured a contract with the islands?”

“Oh yes…” Roxanne said, smiling her airy smile, setting down her own goblet of wine and beginning talking the finer points of the trip, future tax issues, the prospect of tariffs and purchasing cargo ships.

Kanaya turned to Rose and cleared her throat in a lady-like manner. “Rose,” she whispered, “I was under the impression your mother was an unbelievable drunk.”

“She is.”

“She certainly isn’t acting like one.”

Rose sighed and shrugged a little. “She has her moments. Just…”

“Yes?” Kanaya asked.

“Don’t worry about it.” Rose said, patting Kanaya’s hand gently and returning to her meal. “This will all be over soon enough and I can get away.”

“I hope you don’t plan on abandoning me here as soon as desert is finished.” Kanaya smirked some and pat Rose’s hand back.

Rose smiled. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Across the table was another matter entirely. Karkat, still trying to keep his demeanor calm, was swatting at Dave’s hand, trying to free himself from his grip. “Let go.”

“Not yet.”

“Why not?”

“Because.”

“Because why?”

“Reasons.”

“What kind of reasons?”

“Good ones.”

“I call bullshit.”

“Shall I get the town crier?”

“Shut up.”

“What’s the magic word?

“Now.”

“Wrong answer. I as sphinx now reserve the right to eat you for desert.”

“Ha hah how clever.”

“Thank you, I’m here all week.”

“Shut up.”

“What’s the magic word?”

Broderick looked up from his dinner and smirked. “The magic word is…”

Dave froze. Karkat gulped. Rose looked across the table and squeezed Kanaya’s hand tight. Those damned Princely ears picked up on a conversation not meant to be heard. And that always lead to trouble. Always.

“The magic word is now.” Broderick said with a slight smirk.

Dave, red-faced and now without Karkat’s hand to hold for stability, slid his chair backwards and stood. “I must use the ‘facilities’ Brother Broderick. Excuse me.”

“You’re excused for now,” Broderick said, waving a hand to dismiss Dave.

Dave stormed off. For now. He didn’t look back, he didn’t check on Karkat or Rose or Kanaya. He didn’t really care. He had dragged those two innocent trolls into the belly of the beast and even if they were friends, he didn’t care right now.

Bro got under his skin in a way Rose couldn’t even fathom. Or Karkat. Or Kanaya.

At the dinner table the three humans and two trolls dealt with a very unmeasurable amount of awkward silence. Karkat muttered a small apology and stood, pacing off to find Dave.

The silence at the table only deepened. Rose decided it was best to let go of Kanaya’s hand and to avoid a potential incident of their own. She sighed and picked up her goblet, sipping at her cider for a moment. Only a moment. Maybe two.

Setting the silver cup down, Rose sighed and resumed eating, even as Kanaya kept her eyes trained on her. Worry, little tiny lines of it, crossed Kanaya’s silver skin, only deepening as the minutes ticked by and neither Dave nor Karkat returned.

“Well, isn’t this most odd,” Broderick said. He set his fork down and sighed, a sly smile coming to life. “Dave disappeared. I shouldn’t be surprised, I know, but I thought he would have learned better by now.”

“Oh Broderick,” Roxanne said, waving her hand in dismissal. “You know the younger generations need their space. You’ve got to allow them room to breathe. To germinate and grow. Only then will they have to chance to blossom. You should always keep a watchful eye on them however. Give them what they need. Be there but give them their space.”

Rose slammed her silverware down and stood. “I think I need to use the facilities. I’m a little nauseous.”

Kanaya looked up, noticed the pink tint to Rose’s cheeks, and bit her lip. To abscond or not to abscond. That happens to be the question. Dave, Karkat, and now Rose seemed to all have chosen to abscond. Perhaps it…

“Alright then dear, do take care.” Roxanne smiled and blinked, even in spite of the thin veil of calm hiding Rose’s anger.

Rose, in turn, turned on her heel and swept her violet and black skirt up, rushing out of the room. After a minute she stopped and sighed, looking about to gather her bearings.

“The… south wing. Okay that means Uncle Broderick’s study is…” Rose said to herself. She paced forward and around a corner, heading for the sanctuary of some books and maybe to pilfer a drink from her Uncle’s secret stash. Grinning to herself she pushed the oaken door to the grand room open and…

“Dave…” Karkat huffed out, clawing at the blonde human’s back with needy pewter fingers. “Fuck… keep doing that…”

Rose blushed a deeper shade of rose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long delay between postings. I'm hoping to update at least once a week from now on.


	11. Discover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we see things get intense. Heads up, this is where the fic gets 'mature'

A warm hand ran up his thigh, clawing a bit as it moved. Not enough to leave a nasty mark, but enough to make Karkat shuddered out as he breathed into Dave’s neck. He clung tighter to his brother-in-arms and smiled.

“Fuck…” Karkat said, the sound coming out in one quick exhale. “Fuck… Dave holy hell… Fuck… Whoa watch it…”

Dave, in turn, smiled wider, reaching around to unfasten Karkat’s cape. Then Dave went for his belt. Then, with a hand in Karkat’s hair, he yanked back to give himself a better go at his neck. Karkat, almost nothing more than breathy shudders at this point, smiled as he stared at the ornate ceilings.

Dave smiled into each kiss he placed on Karkat’s throat.

The light was low enough that neither of their drunken blushes were really visible. Especially not Karkat’s, not with his ruddy slate colored skin covered in Dave’s lips. The two of them were a tangle of legs and capes as Dave pushed Karkat into a writing desk, knocking a book to the ground as he lifted Karkat by the rear.

Sweat. It permeated their nostrils as Dave pressed forward, his lips getting a little sloppy as they trailed over Karkat’s collarbone. Whatever vintage wine Broderick had served at dinner, whether it was something high end or not, had unhinged those two boys enough for Dave to push into something he hadn’t dreamt of before. Not in that way at the very least.

Kissing Karkat over the chest, Dave paused for a moment, taking a quick breath filled with the scent of a troll, and went back to work.

It was at that very moment turned his head to the side, blushing a little more, and looked toward the door. The very open door occupied by one Rose Lalonde.

“Shit!” Karkat yelped and tumbled to the side, his legs still latched around Dave’s middle. The two of them tumbled off the desk. A flurry of capes and shouts and then grumbles filled the study.

Rose clasped a hand over her mouth, blush deepening as she stood frozen in place. There really was no point in running. That wouldn’t erase the sight of her cousin deep into…

“ROSE!” Dave shouted, standing up, bare naked body barely covered by his cape. Karkat, on his knees and rubbing his forehead, stumbled up wards and yanked his pants up. Yanking at Dave’s cape to cover his hickey covered chest, Karkat looked down. His silver face began to fleck deep red.

Dave panicked as his cape was pulled from around him, his pale and toned body now on full display. He swept himself behind Karkat, and peered over his small rounded horns. If it weren’t for his ribcage, his heart would have beat straight out of his chest.

“I take it you two are… occupied.” Rose stumbled over her words, unable how to describe what she had discovered. A snarky remark would have been too easy. So instead of that, Rose, hands wringing together behind her back, bit her lip and stepped back. “Do have fun.”

The door closed, Rose’s scarlet face turning as she let go of the handle and stared at the wall.

What she had just seen… what had just accosted her vision with its swirl of blushing boys and grabbing hands was almost more than she could process. Holding her hand to her mouth, she began to chuckle. First it came slowly, like a morning mist, but soon it was a downpour of laughter, ringing through the hall and past the door behind her.

“No one can tell me meddling isn’t worth it.”


	12. Dessert

Dave managed to slip away from the commotion, both Rose’s laughter and Karkat’s grumbling. A swishing red cape was his farewell to the troll and the slightly drunk human girl, who after his footsteps had faded from the halls, turned to each other.

“Getting frisky I see,” Rose said, crossing her arms and taming her laugh.

Karkat pursed his lips. “Mmm…”

“Oh come on Vantas, you can talk to me. After all…” Rose smirked. “I am the one selling you topical aphrodisiac for just this occasion.”

Karkat hissed and reached out to cover Rose’s mouth. He blushed. “I don’t need you saying that out loud. Not here. Not in his brother’s castle. Not when he could be siting just around the corner.”

Rose rolled her eyes. “Enough of that…” she said, pushing away Karkat’s hand.

In her mind the scene was fresh. Relevant. New. Granted, Karkat had come to her months earlier when winter was still strong and cold and threatening them all with frostbite. But to Rose? To Rose it felt like it was only a week or two ago. That was of course because she reveled in what had transpired. Karkat, Sir Vantas, that bunkmate of her cousin’s had come in quite unexpectedly from the cold and flopped onto her counter, almost spilling her last canister of dried lavender in the process.

She swatted him.

He jumped up, dropping snow and wet all over her workspace and floor, much to her dismay. A short interrogation and Rose was nothing more than pearly white smiles that rivaled the ice on the windows in terms of brilliance.

Karkat Vantas, descendant to a famed prophet and brother to a troll who owned the largest newspapers in the Empire, had a crush on Dave.

A little mocking later and Rose sat Karkat down, taking his ragged and frigid cape, handing him a large mug of strong mulled cider. She needed him to warm up, and what better way was there? Sitting across from him, she smiled and began her interrogation.

Karkat had been eyeing Dave for a few months. Unintentionally of course. He was sharing sleeping quarters with him. That and after the pair if them had tried, and failed, at romancing the same girl from the court, something was ignited.

Karkat’s exact words, at least in Rose’s memory, were ‘I think he’s swell and I want to make sure that no one will ever get a chance to ruin that.’

Rose commented on how that was a little creepy and Karkat retreated to his mug of warm cider.

Now? Several months later? Now Rose knew how important that one meeting in the middle of winter was, whether it felt like a few weeks ago or not. Now she knew Karkat was serious and not all that creepy. Heck, she just found the two of them doing the tawdry two-step, the waltz of the willies, the dicker dance…

“Stop calling it that!” Karkat hissed. Rose, of course, had been relaying all of her clever names for sex to Karkat as they made their way back to the dining hall. Rose snickered but stopped as they made their entrance, gliding back to their seats in utter silence. They had missed a course, of course, and dessert was being brought out now.

Dave was already back and as tight lipped and uncomfortable as ever.

Rose slid in next to Kanaya, looking over the collection of miniature desserts dotting her plate with an airy smile and a happy sigh.

“You seem in better spirits,” Kanaya noted, a little berry tart millimeters from her lips.

“Oh definitely,” Rose said, winking as she sipped some Prosecco and relaxed.

Kanaya smiled, wide and cheerful as she swallowed the sweet and slightly acidic gobble of fruit and custard. Not because the food was good (though it really was) but because even despite the foreseen disaster of the evening, she had managed to get a glimpse of a happy Rose Lalonde. And _that_ was worth the family drama.

A jade blush tinted her face and she looked down, poking through her collection of itty bitty sweets.

Across the table was another adventure all together. Dave’s face was tinted pink as he looked down, stabbing through his collection of itty bitty sweets, turning them to crumbs in no time at all. Karkat, a little clammy and flustered, did much of the same, sparing a few moments of angsty food destruction to actually try a few bites.

Sweets did, after all, help ease the mind. Especially after building an appetite with rigorous exercise.

“So David, how do you like your sweet cherries?” Broderick asked. “They’re a little slippery this evening for my tastes.”

Dave choked. Whether it was on air, his own spit or the little dessert in his mouth was up for debate. “What?!”

“How do you like the cherries?” Broderick asked, grinning in a nonchalant manner.

“Delicious,” Dave said, the words pushing past his lips like frozen molasses in wintertime. “I’ve never had better.”

Rose snorted.

Karkat bit his lip.

Broderick smiled and nodded. Smiled… Nodded… Turned to Rose… “And dearest niece, how are you and your lady friend enjoying desert?”

“Wonderful,” Rose said, trying her damnedest not to laugh.

“Spectacular,” Kanaya said, the words escaping her as if it were as natural as breathing. To her, to the fair lady with the black dress and jade eyes, there was nothing odd afoot. There was no kinky little secret floating between three of their guests. There was only good food and a lady with a ‘spectacular’ smile.

And so dinner, or dessert rather, progressed at its own pace. It went slow; slower than Dave had wanted and a little faster than Rose could enjoy. But she did enjoy it, even despite her inebriated mother slouching in her chair at the opposite end of the table from Broderick.

“Uncle Broderick…” Rose said, not the least bit put off by the prospects of what she was going to ask. Tonight was too good for that. “May my mother spend the night here? The rooms above the apothecary are cramped and not ready for… well a hurricane.”

“It’s quite alright,” Broderick said with a genuinely warm smile. “I have no qualms hosting my favorite Roxanne…” he said, turning to a servant at his side. Making the preparations was easy enough, and considering the size of his castle, not much of a hassle to get done.

“Thank you Sir.” Rose nodded and sipped her wine, peering over the rim of the goblet at Dave, still tight lipped and pink-faced.

This evening was so worth it.


	13. Laugh

A carriage ride home was always on the itinerary after an evening with relatives. Rose sighed. Leaning against the little armrest on the door, she pressed her forehead to the glass. It was cool. Refreshing after that spectacle.

“So…” Kanaya started.

“So,” Rose replied.

Kanaya squeezed Rose’s hand a little tighter and flashed a pearly, sharp, smile her way. “So what did you stumble upon when you went to the restroom? Clearly it had to have been something intriguing.”

“Intriguing is a _very_ good word for it,” Rose said with a half-laugh, sitting up and brushing some errant strands of hair out of her eyes.

“So?”

Rose smiled and dropped her head, thinking for a moment. “You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you.”

“Try me,” Kanaya said with a wink.

“Well then,” Rose said, pulling her hand free from Kanaya’s to lace her fingers together. Her palms were clammy, her hands wringing together to get a better grip on the situation. She gave up a chuckle and sighed. “I caught Dave and Karkat in a rather compromising situation.”

“Oh?” Kanaya perked up and smirked. “Were the two boys swapping spit? Or is that not how you humans phrase that saying?”

“No, no… that’s how the phrase goes,” Rose said. It took some might for her not to laugh at that. Just in the way Kanaya, with her eloquent tongue and poised manner, managed to say ‘swapping spit’ made Rose smile. “I think…” Rose began again, “that there was more than just swapping spit going on.”

“Oh my, please do tell me more,” Kanaya said, leaning in. Rose blushed, not so much from the matter of the story itself but by how close Kanaya was getting.

They both bounced up. The carriage had hit a bump in the road and it lurched, moth physically, and in the girl’s case, metaphorically. Rose sighed. This was a conundrum. Even though she liked picking at Dave, getting under his skin and making him squirm, he was still family. And it really wasn’t her place to tell anyone about his affairs, no matter how scandalous and fun to gossip about.

“It’s hard to explain,” Rose said, looking down and then to the side. The lights of town were visible out the little window on the door. She smiled. Home. Soon. That was always a good feeling; especially after a night with her mother.

“That’s alright,” Kanaya said, resting her elbows on her knees, cupping her chin in her hands. “I’ve got plenty of time to spend with you.”

Rose blushed and brushed another runaway strand of golden hair from her face. “I see…” she muttered.

Kanaya smiled, lips painted jade slowly curling upwards. “Do I fluster you dear?”

“What?” Rose said, jerking up some. Just the way Kanaya managed to say that, with a hint of warmth in her voice made Rose’s chest flutter. “No, not at all. Why would you say that? What brought this about?”

“Heh…” Kanaya chuckled and leaned back into her seat. “Just in the pink of your blush and the movement of your hands and how your breathing quickened all of a sudden and…” Kanaya slowed down and looked into her lap. It was her turn to blush.

“Are you alright?” Rose asked.

“I’m rambling is all…”

“Oh? No no… it’s alright.” Rose said, reaching out to pat the back of Kanaya’s hand. “I’m just a little amazed you’d pay so much attention to me or what I’m doing.”

“My apologies,” Kanaya said with a smile and a sigh. “It’s hard to not focus on the most lovely woman in the room.”

The two of them froze. Blinking, staring at one another, the two of them blushed.

Rose was the first to crack.

The carriage swayed and erupted in laughter. Both of them, blushed cheeks and smiles and all, fell into one another.

“I cannot keep this up,” Kanaya said, wiping a happy tear from her eye. “Can we please just progress past this sappy phase? I can’t keep it up.”

“Neither can I.” Rose sat up straighter and settled down, taming her laugh. There was, no doubt, a very startled carriage driver looking over his shoulder to make sure everything was okay. “I think I must have been sitting with my Uncle far too long.”

“Oh? Then what’s my excuse?” Kanaya asked.

“It’s an airborne disease, the pretentiousness of my clan,” Rose said, holding her head high, nostrils flared, societal accent on her tongue.

Kanaya snorted. “I see,” she said, straightening herself out.

“Good, that means less explaining on my part,” Rose said. She nodded and smoothed out the folds of her skirt.

“Except you have yet to actually explain what it was you caught Sir Dave and Sir Karkat doing,” Kanaya said, wagging a finger at Rose. Granted, curiosity was at the forefront of Kanaya’s gentle prod, but there was more. There was always more with a troll. “Forgive me if I’m being nosy… it’s just your family is so… what’s the word?”

“Ludicrous?” Rose offered.

“No, no… it’s not that at all,” Kanaya said, patting Rose’s knee. “They’re entertaining.”

“I’m glad someone thinks so,” Rose said, her eyes rolling in absolute disgust. Entertaining? Her family? Sure, maybe if you liked those trashy theatre shows where the dude in the bad wig falls for the other dude in an equally bad wig. Rose had thought Kanaya had better taste than that. Fashionable people making fashionable clothes were supposed to have better taste than that.

Kanaya shrugged. “My apologies if I’ve said something I shouldn’t.”

“No, it’s okay.” Rose said with a wave of her hand. “I just don’t think I understand how any of that could be misconstrued as entertaining.”

Kanaya took her turn to shrug. “It’s different for trolls I guess. We don’t have the same type of family structure as you humans do. We have our lusus for several years and then our genetic kin come into our lives to teach us and assist our lusii.”

“See, now that’s entertaining,” Rose said, pointing at Kanaya, smiling a little.

“I don’t see how,” Kanaya said.

Rose smiled wider. “See what I mean?”

“Ohhh…”

Rose smiled and pat Kanaya’s knee.

***

The rest of the ride back to the dress shop was silly; restrained and dignified by their own standards, but silly to anyone in either Rose’s or Kanaya’s families. There was a lot of patty cake and talk of narcotic herbs. Between the two of them there were a lot of smiles to go around. A lot.

Rose opened the carriage door as the vehicle came to a stop. Turning, she offered Kanaya a hand out. It was late, at least an hour before midnight, if not later. The lamps in front of the dress shop were on, flickering a tad in the late and chill breezes.

“M’lady,” Rose said, squeezing Kanaya’s hand as she stepped down onto the cobblestoned street. Kanaya snorted and bowed her head, trying to fight off another fit of laughter. She was failing.

“Oh dear God Rose, cut it out,” the troll said, batting at Rose’s arm.

Rose grinned and gave a mocking groan. “Fine then you party pooper.”

“M’lady such language is not fitting of a woman of your stature,” Kanaya said, putting on a gruff and formal voice.

Rose snorted. “Well you know what I say to that?”

Kanaya cocked a well-manicured brow. “And what would that be?” she asked.

“Fuck it.”

The two of them froze. It was quiet and the carriage driver was taking a smoke break, little curls of smoke curling up from his pipe. Kanaya stared for a moment. Rose stared back.

Somehow between all the staring and the faint scent of tobacco, there was a kiss right to the lips. Rose met jade.

Kanaya smiled as she pulled back, hands shaking. “You know…”

“That wasn’t too bad.”

“Well yes _that_ ,” Kanaya said with a smirk. “No, I was going to say you still haven’t told me what you found Dave and Karkat doing during dinner.”

“Is it really important?” Rose asked.

“Maybe.”

“Well… I’m invoking doctor patient confidentiality.” Rose crossed her arms and smirked.

Kanaya put her hands on her hips and shook her head. “You know you’re no doctor Rose.”

“Well I _never_!” Rose said, hand over her heart. She snorted and laughed some.

“No. You’re no doctor. You do better than that. Especially if you’re trying your hand at matchmaking Karkat and Dave,” Kanaya said, her smile unfurling yet again. Rose took a step back and blinked.

Rose gawked and shook her head. “How did you know?”

Kanaya chuckled and pulled Rose into a quick hug. “The Vantas and Maryams are very close my dear.”

 

%MCEPASTEBIN%


	14. Consult

The barracks were quiet... _too quiet_. Or in Karkat’s case, they weren’t quiet enough. He rolled over in his cot and glared at Dave across the room. The light was low, a steady glow of the fort’s courtyard lanterns spilling in from the little window by the door. Karkat huffed and reached across the gap between the beds to poke Dave’s arm.

“You,” Karkat mumbled. “You need to stop breathing so heavy.”

“And why’s that?” Dave asked, rolling his eyes.

“Because you have no need to,” Karkat said as his sharp smile cutting through the dark. “Especially seeing as you’re not on top of me anymore.”

Dave rolled over, away from Karkat. He huffed, a deep blush covering his face. Thank goodness for the dark to hide him, his shame and his little smile. Rubbing his face a slight bit, Dave sighed and rolled out of bed. Standing in nothing but his underwear, he walked over to Karkat and looked down at him.

“Is this really a thing you want to go after Vantas?” Dave asked, hands on his hips. “You saw what I come from. We’ve got the pretentious bullshit, the expectations and passive-aggressive wankery. Is that really what you’re into Karkat? I mean, I get you troll folk have your weird idiosyncratic romance issues and social cues, but that doesn’t mean you need to be a masochist for my sake. It’s not—”

Karkat leapt up and silenced Dave with a kiss. It was chaste, warm and eventually morphed into a hug. “Sir David Strider, even though you are the most abrasive asshole to grace this planet, you’re still my best friend.”

Dave just stared at Karkat for a few seconds. Leaning into the hug, he slowly warmed, and hugged Karkat back. “You know, for a while I had thought you were going to Rose to get some weird love potion for Terezi or something. But I guess you were after me, huh?”

Karkat froze, face draining of any color. “It wasn’t like that at all.”

“I know dude. You were only friendly with her after she got into all that shit with what’s-his-face and—”

Karkat silenced Dave with another kiss. “Let’s not think about that dude.”

“Right…” Dave murmured. Even in the low lantern light coming in from the window, Dave’s blush was evident. And Karkat couldn’t help but snicker at that.

All of it, Dave and Kanaya and Rose and whatever other meddling they were getting into… it was like the most perfect romantic destiny. Just like one of his books. And Karkat couldn’t believe it.

He nuzzled into Dave’s chest and sighed. Pulling him down, he sat on the bed, purring softly.

“Holy shit Karkat…” Dave said, eyes wide. “You sound like a fucking kitten.”

Karkat huffed. “Shut up.”

“That’s _adorable!_ ” Dave said, covering his mouth.

Karkat opted to smack him with a pillow.

***

Despite her best efforts to make it look like she wasn’t excited about the entire ordeal, Rose beamed whenever anyone mentioned Kanaya or the Merchant’s Guild’s Ball. What had started as a simple crush from a girl who happened to like looking in the dress shop window had evolved into…

Into…

Rose fumbled and dropped a bowl of salve. Dave cocked an eyebrow.

“Something’s up,” he said, drumming his fingertips on the counter, sliding his lunch away as he looked down to see Rose cleaning up the flowery slop. “Rose… dearest cousin of mine, I do believe you’re in love.”

Rose snapped up and glared at Dave. “I am _not_.”

“Does your mother know?” Dave asked, prodding his sandwich and smirking some. He had managed to be nonchalant about all of it, even with Rose dropping things left and right.

“There’s nothing for her to know. I’m not _in love_ , me and Kanaya are—”

_“Kanaya and I_ , Rose. Wow your grammar even went to shit during all of this. I’m shocked. Shocked and dismayed,” Dave said, wagging a finger and taking a bite of his sandwich. A roasted pepper fell out and plopped on the counter.

Rose slammed her soapstone bowl of salve on the counter. She picked up the pepper and flung it at Dave.

_Splat!_

“That’s a lovely nose job you have there, Sir David,” Rose said, snickering.

Dave. Not one to be shown up, ever, fell still. He picked up his sandwich and kept eating, peper still stuck to his nose, a bit of oil dripping down onto his lip. Deadpan expression trained on Rose, he set down his sandwich and grabbed his flask. “IS there something humorous afoot Madame?”

Rose pouted. “You’re an ass.”

“Thank you. I happen to like partaking in the art of being a posterior.”

“Idiot.”

“Lovebird.”

Rose threw up her arms and groaned. “You’re such an unbelievable sack of manure, you know that Sir David?”

“I knew troll cologne was a bad idea. I’m going to get Karkat for this injustice.”

Rose rolled her eyes and resumed cleaning the salve off of the floor. Dave meanwhile peeled the pepper for his face and gobbled it up in one bite, wiping his face free of the oil and spices with one of Rose’s napkins. Her lunch remained untouched and Dave sighed.

“I still don’t know why you’re starving yourself. Is it the nerves or what?” Dave asked, nudging Rose’s sandwich in its brown paper wrapper closer to her. She stood and rolled her eyes, walking over to the wash basin to deposit her lavender and lilac scented rags.

“I’m not starving myself. I’m fine.” Rose turned back and walked to Dave, looking over the counter. She rolled her eyes and wiped a bit of oil off of Dave’s cheek with her thumb. “You’re the disaster here, not me.”

“Says you,” Dave said, making a face and leaning back. “I could care less about this Ball nonsense. You on the other hand, seem to be testing out three different perfumes a day and have taken to the rouge phase of an adolescent girl’s life.”

“And what’s _that_ supposed to mean?” Rose asked, cocking her eyebrow, hands on her hips.

“You smell like one of the castle powder rooms and…” Dave reached over the counter and swiped at Rose’s cheek with his thumb. A powdery residue, thick and almost chalk-like, stuck to Dave’s thumb, the color reminiscent of the Empress’s blood. “Well… this.”

Rose huffed and stepped back, leaning against the rows of shelves stacked up behind her. “Forgive me for not knowing jack about this kind of stuff. You know how my mother—”

“I know,” Dave said, his expression softening. “I know Rose. It’s okay. Just… don’t worry about it. I have it through the trollish chain of gossip that Kanaya fancies you too. Very much so. And it’s probably not going to help disguising the person she likes with a liter of rank perfume and whatever… this is,” Dave said, wiping his thumb on his napkin, staining it pink.

Rose looked down, crossed her arms over her chest and sighed. “Alright…”

Dave smiled. “No problem.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“So…” Rose trailed off, looking to the side.

“Just stick to that rosehip stuff you used to use.” Dave said, shrugging and munching on hs sandwich again. “And if you need help with the war paint, I heard Kanaya’s sister is pretty good at that stuff.”

Rose nodded. “Thank you…” she mumbled, blushing a bit, the color in her cheeks invisible behind the makeups she was rubbing off with her sleeve.

“No problem.”

 


	15. Morning

Nerves were not something Rose was used to. No. Not at all. Nerves were something she helped people sooth away into oblivion with herbs and pseudo-magic. Nerves were something she pulled out of dead animals’ spinal columns during harvest because she liked to start rumors.

Nerves were not something she liked to handle for herself.

Especially first thing in the morning.

After years of cultivating her talents and a routine while her mother was either inebriated or away. Rose could wake up at the crack of dawn, during summer or winter or in between. Now, with summer on the wane, the sun came up in a flurry of color and humidity, all barreling in through the window. And ruining her sleep.

Sitting up, Rose rubbed her eyes and groaned.

Today was the day.

After weeks of talking to Kanaya and having lunch with Kanaya and selling Kanaya expensive dyes at a steep discount… today was the day. Rose trough off her blanket and stared at her limp and tired form. For the first time in a long time she would attend the Merchants’ Guild Ball. The thought alone made her groan.

Dresses and makeup weren’t her forte. Herbs and obscure alchemy were her forte. Girls a little less so. Family matters ranked even lower. But dresses? Dave had already pointed out how uncultivated her skills in rouge were the other day. But dresses? Rose fell back, smacking a pillow to her face and groaning.

“And of course, she’s just positively the most fashionable lady in this damned city,” Rose muttered, rolling out of bed like a slug off of a leaf.

This day was going to be long enough, but tack on a raucous night to it? Rose couldn’t bear to think how much of fool she would make of herself in front of Kanaya and her guardian and her sister. In front of Dave and the rest of the knights. In front of her mother.

Rose resigned to begin her routine. The thought of dresses made her cringe, but she would make do.

To start, she’d wash herself in attar of roses, and tame her hair the best she could. A snood would do. The good one. The one with pearls. Rose smiled at the thought of actually being prim and proper.

It was such a farce in the making.

But before Rose could even weigh in on the debate of rouge, a tapping came at her window. She jumped, knocking over her tray of untouched creams and perfumes her mother had collected for her on her travels. Rose cursed.

“Mother _fuck_ ,” she turned to see a large black bird, a raven, tapping at her window. She composed herself in an instant. Kanaya had only sent this bird out to her shop twice before. Once to invite her to dinner with Porrim and Dolorosa, and once to formally ask her to the Ball.

The _Ball._ Rose rolled her eyes at the thought. There were no glass slippers and princes involved. None except Uncle Broderick but he didn’t count. He was too busy making automated suits of armor and dating random pages and bluebloods to count as a proper prince. Rose cussed at herself and the bird and the rouge on the floor and the fact that she was excited for a ball like every other namby-pamby female in her god-forsaken town. How _cliché._

Welcoming the bird in as she swung the rickety window, Rose sighed, watching it hop in onto her bed. The creature lifted its leg up and, yes just as predicted, a noted tied up in a silken jade ribbon was waiting for her. She fetched the note and pet the raven as she unfurled the note.

_Rose,_

_I have something for you. For this evening in all honesty. A few things come to think of it. Please come down to the shoppe sometime this afternoon so that I may regale you in this little surprise. And bring your fancy snood you were talking about the other night at dinner._

_-Kanaya M._

Rose arched an eyebrow and stopped petting the bird. A surprise? For this evening. Rose bit her lip. What had Kanaya done and gotten herself into this time? And what would she need to see the snood for? This was all on such short notice. Something was afoot. And Rose was more than curious.

Rifling through the bedside drawer, Rose scribbled a return note on a scrap of a receipt she had lying around.

_Kanaya,_

_Whatever it is you are up to, I am curious to say the least. I shall see you soon._

_-Rose L._

She scurried back to the bird and tied the response to its leg with the same fancy green ribbon. Hopefully Kanaya would be a little more straightforward later on. Hopefully. Shooing the bird back out the window, she sighed and flopped back in her bed.

The sun was just coming up and there was already mischief afoot. Rose could feel it.

And it was intriguing to say the least.

***

Kanaya was sitting with her Guardian around a little round pedestal table when the raven returned. She set down her cup of tea and stumbled up. Dolorosa rolled her eyes as the girl tripped over a bolt of cloth near her chair.

Brushing herself off and shoving the navy velvet to the side, Kanaya gently undid the note from the bird and unfurled the rumple of scrap paper. She beamed and hugged the note to her chest.

“You seem quite ecstatic,” Dolorosa commented dryly, a smirk on her lips as she sipped her tea.

“I am!”

“And here Porrim had said letting a boy into the shop was nothing but bad luck,” Dolorosa said, smiling a little wider at the sight of Kanaya bouncing on her heel.

“Screw Porrim then!” Kanaya shouted, her happy undiluted by the scowl Dolorosa shot her.

“Language young lady,” she grumbled.

“Yes of course!”

“Not that you aren’t wrong,” Dolorosa said with a wink. “It seems that Sir David was the perfect catalyst to you romantic life. And this Rosalynn girl seems to be a delightful as your mood. At least she appreciated my cooking the other night.”

“Yes, yes, yes, that’s all very nice mother, but I don’t really care. We must finish the last bits to the dress at once. She’ll be here before either of us know it. Come on!” Kanaya sad, bolting up, tripping over the bolt of velvet once more, and scurrying out of the room.

Dolorosa shook her head, finishing her tea slowly and snickering to herself.

Her shop, located at the north end of a quiet square, had never been quite so lively. Her shop had never been much in the way of a super happy place, what with constant work for classy merchants and lowly noble folk. But with Rose? With Rose about Kanaya had a near constant smile and a spring in her step.

And it was infectious.

For that, Dolorosa was grateful. But the mess of saffron dye vats and smuggling in golden thread to avoid hefty taxes? _That_ was a nightmare. One that Dolorosa convinced herself was worth it.

Her daughter’s happiness was more than worth it.


	16. Gift

The street was dusty as carriages rolled up and down the street, trying to get ready for the day. Rose hurried up to the door of the shop, painted dark green with the worn metal knocker, and knocked once. Then twice.

“It’s early…” Rose said with a yawn. “I can wait…”

She figured at the very least that the Maryams were still drowsy with early morning fog. It wasn’t as if seamstresses, especially ones so specialized as the Maryams, would have late nights. Not like a knight or an apothecary.

It was clear she was wrong the moment Porrim opened the door, dark circles under her eyes, smudged imported Kohl darkening them even further. “Come in…” she grumbled, her voice, lower than her sisters or her guardian’s, even lower than usual.

Rose cocked a brow. “Porrim…. Are you alright?”

There was a grunt and an eye roll. “Don’t you worry none. Now get in here before I decide to ruin Kanaya’s day by locking you out. Come now… hurry up.”

Rose scurried into the shop, the windows and counters freshly cleaned. Being on the nicer part of town, the Maryam shop was lucky enough to have a window overlooking a clean square, built not that many years ago and paved with light grey stones. The light, uncommon in Rose’s apothecary, spilled in through the windows and made all of the Maryam’s fail silver complexion seem to glow like the moon against the darkened walls.

Porrim lead Rose back past a wall of shelves littered with spools of thread and tiny cupboard filled with seed pearls and tiny crustal beads. Rose looked up, towards the ceiling, where the top shelf was littered in large jars and canisters of dye. She knew each one. She had provided most of them at a discount after all.

Leading her through the small dining room behind the shelves Porrim pushed past a few fallen bolts of dark velvet in front of the door and gestured Rose in. “Kanaya is waiting for you. Just over…” Porrim pointed back to a large worktable, “there…”

Rose nodded and muttered a sweet thank you to Porrim.

This was the work room, an almond and anise scented space with one window, a little grimy and yellowed, looking out over the back lot of the Maryam residence. One of the few private gardens in the entire city was visible from where Rose stood. A bed of irises in second bloom swished in the wind. Rose smiled and made her way over to the other two. Dolorosa, dressed in simple linen, had been hunching over the table. Kanaya, all the while, tried to swat her away from whatever it was they were working on. Rose couldn’t see past the mountains of bolts of cloth and boxes and drawers of finer things.

She cleared her throat.

Kanaya jerked up, a slight bead of sweat glistening on her pale moon face. Rose smiled and gave a tiny nod as if to ask ‘may I come in?’ Kanaya nodded back, a hand waving Rose over.

Porrim at the door rolled her eyes and Dolorosa scurried away from the worktable. Rose was approaching, now was the time to abscond. The eldest Maryam hooked an arm around Porrim’s and paraded away, a silly slightly wrinkled smile on her face.

“So what is it you wanted to…” Rose said, her voice growing more quiet, more fragile, more like that of a woodland nymph as she closed in on the scene. A hand went to her mouth, as if trying to stop herself from exhaling all of her soul at once.

“Do you like it?” Kanaya asked, her voice light, airy, cheerful and all around sweet enough to shock Rose back to reality for a moment.

Rose nodded. Out before her, lying on the table in all its fresh and ironed glory sat the most astonishing piece of handiwork she had ever seen. “Is this where all that saffron was going?” Rose asked, her hand reaching out to press against the flawless hem. She was afraid to break this… piece of art.

Kanaya chuckled a bit and covered Rose’s hand with hers, effectively pressing her shaking palm to the silk. “It is…”

Rose blinked. “So this is for…?”

“You.”

Rose snorted. It was unintentional. But it had happened none the less, a shocked, fleeting sound that was a cross between bewilderment and laughter. Rose turned to Kanaya, arms spread wide like a vulture soaring high, and pulled her girlfriend close.

There was a kiss. It was a sloppy and chaste exercise that stained Kanaya’s cheek with a bit of poorly applied lipstick and a jade blush.

There was a return kiss and Rose took her turn to blush, looking down, her lavender eyes trained on the brilliant orange dress.

“I took a few experimental liberties. Porrim wanted to try some techniques she learned while travelling so of course Ma’am,” Kanaya called Dolorosa what she always called Dolorosa, “obliged and here we now have a truly one of a kind gown. I mean…”

Rose wasn’t listening. There was a frothing in her gut; a mix of admiration, awe, and a sudden feeling of obligatory debt. She didn’t like that. She hated it. Kanaya should not have gifted her something so… simply beautiful. There was a faint, monochromatic damask stamped into the fabrics. It was subtle. Almost as subtle as the wetness in Rose’s eyes. The trim was gold, whether it was real or not didn’t matter to Rose, and wound up and down each hem and along the neckline.

Rose trembled ever so slightly as Kanaya egged her on, asking her to pick it up.

It was light. Lighter than any garment Rose was accustomed to. It wasn’t wool or scratchy cotton like the vast majority of clothes a Lalonde had ever worn. No. It was silk, imported from some far off land that was hazy with burning incense and the chatter of exotic bids. _Silk._ How many thousands of miles it travelled, Rose would never know. But it was _silk._ The stuff the ladies of the royal court fought over and dreamed about when they went to meet the Empress.

Rose snorted again, a sound halfway between a laugh and a scoff with a little bit of a disbelieving chortle thrown in.

“You didn’t have to do this… any of it.” Rose said. It was a whisper, lost for a moment in the air before Kanaya blinked and took her turn to make an awkward snorting sound.

“I know. But I wanted to. And I was paid to.” Kanaya said with a shrug. “Though to be quite honest, I went a little overboard. Ma’am got a little angry at first but she conceded that it was my project to do as I wanted. Granted, I think I owe Porrim for all the little beads up on the bodice but…”

Rose had stopped listening after she heard the word paid. Chewing on the inside of her cheek, she stifled a yelp when she bit her tongue. This was no doubt some ploy by her mother to purchase her loyalty and love and daughterly affections. It was bullshit. Utter undignified bullshit. Years of passive aggressive, drunken bullshit could not all be discarded with the scrap lavender soaps and indigo. Rose Lalonde’s forgiveness was not for sale.

Rose shook her head. “I’m sorry Kanaya… but I think I just need a moment.”

“Is everything alright?” Kanaya asked, a concerned hand reaching out the pat Rose’s shoulder.

“Peachy.” Rose put on a convincing smile and leaned in, pecking Kanaya’s cheek and stepping closer to the dress. Family dramas aside, the dress was gorgeous and Kanaya had poured her heart and soul into its crafting. Rose could appreciate that. She was a decent human after all.

“Are you sure?” Kanaya asked, unsure Rose was telling the absolute truth.

“Yes.” Rose smiled and lifted the gown up, the fabric sliding between her fingers a bit. “So I take it this is for tonight, correct?”

“Yes.”

“You really know how to dress a tramp for an evening out Miss Maryam,” Rose said, pulling the dress closer, looking over the dainty little waistband with a belt of brocade and a round buckle. Odd. But still devilishly handsome.

“Oh but this isn’t all!” Kanaya said, beaming, her hands clapping together just once. “The cape you ordered for your cousin Dave is ready and all packaged in the other room. And I do believe Porrim promised me to help you out with your lady paint for this evening.”

“My makeup?” Rose asked.

Kanaya nodded. “Yes.”

There was a groan and a thud from the other side of the door to the workroom. A little rustle and murmur later and the noise ceased, the room quiet save for the sound of songbirds in the garden and the steady inhale and exhale of a Lalonde trying to remain composed and ladylike.

“What was that?” Rose asked.

Kanaya huffed. “Apparently there was an eavesdropper. God damn it Porrim, I am not a gossip mine.”

“You are too!” came a shout from the other side of the door.

Kanaya pinched the bridge of her nose. Rose puttered and got a little pink in the face, snickering at her girlfriend’s lack of privacy. She needed a laugh. It helped.


	17. Confide

The Guild Masters’ Hall sat behind a well-kept formal garden in one of the cities cleaner, more open air districts. Only a stone’s throw from the Maryam’s dress shop, it wasn’t too much to walk there in the fancy shoes and hefty clothes that a ball required. Not for Rose at least.

Sir David on the other hand, the poor sap, was left trudging through the dusty streets in the late afternoon with Sir Karkat by his side. Their shift to patrol the perimeter of the Guild Masters’ Hall was done already, that morning being a mess of setup and decoration. The job wasn’t hard. Yet it remained a drain on their minds even now as they headed back to their barracks to get ready.

That evening would be the first time in a long time for the two of them to actually shirk duties and just relax; in public at that. For the first time they would actually be doing something together.

“Together _together_ ,” Dave said with a sly quirk of his brow and a gentle nudging elbow.

Karkat huffed and swatted Dave away as he fixed his clean tunic, his cape and whatever other adornments he’d need to pass for a social creature. “Enough of that you dunderhead or I’ll nudge you right out the window and into the trash where you belong.”

“Awww,” Dave said, clasping his hands together, eyelashes fluttering all the while. “You _do_ care about me!”

Karkat grumbled something and turned away to hid the slight red flush to his cheeks. No way that dork was going to get him all riled up in every which way right now. Fastening his cape as well as he could, even going so far as to use the polished silver clasp his guardian had given him, he sighed and turned back to Dave.

“Do I look presentable?”

“Like the most show-winningest cock at the chicken festival,” Dave said.

Karkat huffed and shoved at Dave, forcing him onto his rear in the bed. “You’re such an ass!”

“Yes but don’t you love that about me?” Dave asked, half serious and half-jokingly. “Besides, I know you’re a booty kind of man.”

Karkat groaned. This… whatever this was that Dave did, the jokes and the snark and the nonsense, it was all endearing but when it was timed right. Only then. Not so much right now. Pacing over to the door to their quarters, Karkat wrenched it open, aiming to vacate the premises before he got all worked up.

He tripped.

Landing face first in the dust and dirt of the courtyard pavers, Karkat let loose a storm of cussing. The magnitude of this hurricane of profanity had not ever been pred1ctable in all of history. And never has it been replicated since.

Dave scrambled up off the bed. Karkat was tangle in a cape, his legs draped over a package set down at the door. Kicking and flailing, Karkat wasn’t making progress. Dave nudged him with a foot, freeing th box from his tumbling fit of cape-y goodness.

“Get up you doofus,” Dave said. Rolling his eyes, he squatted down to retrieve the box. It was labelled for him. Quirking a brow, he retreated back to his bed. Away from the red tumbleweed of anger that was Karkat and his cape.

There was more disgruntled noise from Karkat, but Dave opted not to pay it too much attention. He had a present from a mysterious benefactor. Perhaps he was going to be sent on a quest. Perhaps an adventure was at hand. Thank God. He needed to get out of this town and set out into the wilds.

But no.

Dave pulled the twine free and opened the stiff cardboard box. Inside it was red. And soft. Of course. Dave cracked a smile.

“What is it?” Karkat asked, finally breaking free and walking over to look at Dave.

“She out-Dave’d me…”

“Huh?”

Dave pulled the red cape up out of the package. It was simple, the stitching impeccable, the little embroidery around the hem flawless. He snorted. “She out-Dave’d me. I can’t believe it.”

“You do realize your name isn’t a verb, right?” Karkat asked, brushing his sleeves off.

“She out-Dave’d me…” Dave was caught between a disbelieving smile and a face-palming. He shook his head. “I can’t believe it.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah we have that established David. Do you need a doctor or something now? Are we going to have to stay in tonight and read romance novels again?” Karkat asked.

“God no!” Dave yelped, snapping out of his trance. Karkat managed a smirk at that. “Just… can you believe this? I set her up with that girl she’s been eyeing, pay her for some new clothes—”

“Yeah she really needed some help there.”

“Right?! And she turns around and gets me a new cape. What gives? I’m trying to be the mysterious benefactor here. I’m trying to be the cool suave family member who quietly slips out of the spotlight before it’s even turned on.”

“Right…”

“And she goes and does this? What _gives?_ I just… why can’t I do something nice for her without it turning into some one-upmanship show? Like okay, I get it, she likes my Bro, but she doesn’t have to freaking _act_ like him.”

“Uh huh…”

“I just…” Dave groaned out, flopping back into his bed. “She’s the one who deserves all these nice things. She’s the one that’s _earned_ nice things. She works hard day in and day out and she never does a damned thing for herself. I just… why can’t I change that? Why can’t I just...” Dave paused.

“What?” Karkat asked, sitting down next to Dave now, hand moving up to Dave’s forehead. Maybe he had a fever.

“Why can’t I just make Rose happy?”


	18. Revel

Balls were some of the best fun to be had around. All the gowns and food and music and revelry was enough to put even the most anti-social of people into a good mood. This ball, the Guild Masters’ Ball to be precise, had the lovely distinction of managing to snare in two of the moodiest and most reclusive residents of the city.

Rose Lalonde and Sir David Strider were those two to be precise.

Rose and Kanaya had been there for close to an hour before the buzz about the two gowns and the two angels and the lovely couple faded out. Rose could twirl about, smile plastered on her face, in peace. Kanaya watched, the blur of saffron dyed silk and silver-gold hair putting her in a delicate thrall.

“You’re a much better dancer than you let on,” Kanaya said with a laugh. “You’re very good on your feet.”

“It’s the adrenaline.” Rose fell still, a mere inch away from Kanaya’s nose. She stole a whisper of a kiss before spinning away again, all in time to the quartet of lutes.

“I bet!” Kanaya said with another more raucous laugh. She didn’t have anywhere near the same amount of adrenaline it seemed. Tapping her feet and catching Rose would have to suffice. Not that she minded all that much. She could watch Rose all the better if she were standing still.

There was a pair of red blurs that came up on each side of Kanaya without her noticing. They crept close. And closer still they came, squishing the girl in the onyx and white dress between two warmer bodies.

“Hello there Miss Maryam,” Karkat said with a chuckle.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Dave said.

“You look mighty fine this evening.” Karkat nodded, looking her up and down.

“Simply ravishing,” Dave said, stroking his chin in mock-contemplation.

Kanaya blushed and covered her face to hide the embarrassed smile coming into bloom on her painted lips. “Stop it. Both of you fine gentlemen need to leave me alone.” She laughed and looked the two of them over with a watchful eye. Dave’s new cape was looking rather nice. A bubble of pride in her craftsmanship came to life in her chest.

“Oh we could never,” Dave said with a smile. “It is our knightly obligation to compliment the fairest in the land while simultaneously making it impossible for them not to stutter in sheer humiliation.”

“It’s in the contract we sign as Pages in fact,” Karkat admitted. “It’s quite impossible to go against. Top notch law stuff we’re talking about here Madame.”

“True. Very true,” Dave said.

Kanaya simply rolled her eyes and covered her face, trying to focus on her composure as the two boys flustered her. Back straight, head held high, lips taunt as not to fall into a silly expression and let loose a laugh; Kanaya knew what she had to do. She was in public and two boys nudging her with compliments wasn’t going to change that.

Rose came twirling back as the quartet of instrumentalists slowed and stopped. She smiled at Kanaya and then noticed the other two. The boys, the ones with the wide eyes, were frozen in mid-nudge on either side of Kanaya.

“Hello there dearest David,” Rose said, a smirk popping to life on her painted lips.

“Holy hell…” Dave blinked, unable to process what he was seeing. “You’re…”

“Yes?” Rose asked, batting her eyelashes.

“I…” Dave blinked again, at a true lost for words.

“Holy hell indeed Rose,” Karkat said. The troll was beaming. “You did it. The truest alchemy has been wrought right here and right now by _you_ fair lady. You have successfully shut up David Strider. You’re working wonders I tell you—ow!”

Dave smacked Karkat upside the head while still staring at Rose. Kanaya snickered a bit and ducked as the two of them stared exchanging half-hearted blows behind her back, Dave still focused on Rose.

“I’m assuming you were intending to compliment me on all of Kanaya’s fine handiwork.” Rose took a hold of her lady-friend’s hand and squeezed it some. “Thank you for that.”

“Indeed,” Kanaya said, her glowing face taking on a smile of its own. “Thank you very much Sir David.” She tilted her head forward ever so slightly, as if in acknowledgement of the little secret that had led to this moment, this dress and all of the revelry they couldn’t be bothered with.

Dave nodded back.

“Well I must say I was surprised by the transformation myself. It does feel as if there is a slight uncomfortable film on my face but Kanaya has told me that is natural for someone who never dabbles in the art of face paint,” Rose said. She snickered some and then gestured down to her dress, smile falling a bit, fire in her eyes flickering. “As for the gown, it is the most surprising thing yet. Comfortable as one could ever imagine but truly not something I thought I would ever be graced with.”

Kanaya’s lips curved up a bit and Dave’s mirrored them in perfect timing. Secrets were fun. Kanaya, of course, had forgotten about Rose’s little tantrum from the morning, the one about her mother and the dress. Right now all that mattered was Rose and her smile and the fact that Dave had done something right. Something good.

Karkat took the chance to roll his eyes. “Well I’ve had enough of this sentimental garbage for one lifetime. I’m going to go see what the guild-y folk managed to do for food.”

“Yeah yeah…” Dave said, patting Karkat’s cheek absentmindedly. Huffing some, the red-faced troll receded into the crowds as the other two fawned over Rose.

“So I take it you and your comrade had done well with your duties this evening,” Rose said, thumb running over a nearly invisible seam along her sleeve. “How’d that go?”

“Marvelous,” Dave said with the faintest of blushes on his cheek.

“Oh?” Kanaya said, quirking up one well-groomed brow.

“So I take it the fool tastes like cherries?” Rose said, grinning. Dave’s blush only deepened as he puffed his chest up and crossed his arms. “That sweet huh?”

“Madame, I would highly suggest you cease this line of questioning.” Dave tried to put on a respectable air but was failing miserably. The slight flop of his hair in his face didn’t help. Both Rose and Kanaya laughed at his reaction.

“Oh shush,” Rose said, slapping at his arm gently. “Don’t you worry none. I won’t pick on you and your boyfriend all night long. I’ve got to find my mother and berate her for spending a fortune on this dress. I’m so sick of her game of one-upmanship draining our personal coffers; all in her pursuit of some silly notion of an ideal daughter.” Rose clenched her fists in a sudden burst of frustration.

“Rose…” Kanaya reached out to pat her arm. “Dear I need to—”

“Wait…” Rose cut her off. “Is that?” Rose stood on her toes and peered through the crowd, spotting a blur of pink and gold. “Mother!”

She bolted.

“Shit no!” Dave said, snapping out of his trance and seizing up as he watched Rose run after her mother. He was frozen, unable to think or to formulate a plan.

“She thought… this morning when I showed her the dress, that her mother was the one who ordered it…” Kanaya’s voice was dull and quiet as she stared off, watching Rose weasel her way through the crowds and start to kick up a fuss as she chased the drunken woman in pink.

“She thought wrong.” Dave’s voice was similarly lifeless. “And now she’s going to make a scene in front of the entire city because she can’t stand the thought that her mother would ever do something nice for her.”

Dave bolted, red cape streaming behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've bumped up the rating on this fic because of a comment I got on tumblr about the steamy scene between Dave and Karkat earlier on. Looking back, I agree. 
> 
> That said, any comments or questions (or suggestions for the illustrations I need to do) are best directed to me on [my personal tumblr.](http://robogreaser.tumblr.com) I do know for sure I need to tag this fic better.
> 
> **UPDATE:** Because of my recent computer failure, I am unable to update this fic anytime in the foreseeable future. If you'd like to know more, please consult my tumblr post [here.](http://robogreaser.tumblr.com/post/100936730288)


	19. Confront

Parting the crowd for Rose was like parting the Red Sea. She was Moses on a mission. The lady in pink, her intended target, a waif of a woman with a slight slur on her tongue, was just ahead. Right there. Within reach.

Rose scowled; the frown still pretty behind the façade of makeup Kanaya and Porrim had painted on her. Pretty or not, she still scared the few attendees who floated between her and her mother. There was an aura present, warm and fiery and emitting a warning sign that read ‘move it’ in big neon letters.

“Mother,” Rose barked, the last few obstacles removing themselves from her path. “We need to talk.”

“Oh?” The woman spun around, the drink in her hand sloshing a bit. “What do you need my dear?” she asked. For a moment her eyes widened, the realization that the person requesting an interview was her own daughter dawning on her. Those eyes of her, tourmaline in the ambient light of the hall, twinkled, a smile curling upward on her lips. “Rose!”

“Don’t. You. Start.” Rose was barely above a growl, her fists clenched by her side. “I know what you did.”

“Oh dear… no one likes a snitch. I like the wine from the islands, sue me.” Roxanne scoffed. “If you think for a moment I am going to drink the swill the Guild put out tonight then you—”

“That is _not_ what I’m talking about!” Rose snapped. Her voice barely kept itself below a shout, the crowd starting to take notice. “You _know_ what you did.”

“Come again?” Roxanne asked, her face twisted in a confused expression.

“ _Mother_ ,” Rose hissed.

The conversation was cut short. With a blur of red and a pattering of footsteps, a knight came to the rescue, fighting his way out of his cape as he sailed to a stop between Rose and her mother. Dave grinned and winked at one of his comrades from the barracks as he bumped into him.

“Rosaline, my dearest cousin,” Dave said, a suave tone coating his voice as he suppressed his panting. His cheeks were flushed red, not unlike Rose’s, though her blush was swirled on with a brush. “I thought I had almost lost you in the crowds. How’s your evening faring?” he asked, panting now. Running through the crowd after her had done a number on him.

“Not now,” Rose spat. She looked over Dave’s shoulder, trying to focus on the matter at hand, on the woman in pink with the sloshing goblet and the cascade of silver blonde hair. “I am having a conversation with my dearest mother.”

“Gotcha.” Dave nodded gruffly and snapped his fingers, turned on his heel, winked, and flashed a smile. “Howdy Aunt Roxanne.”

“Howdy David,” Roxanne said with a similar wink and a slosh of her drink.

“ _Dave_ ,” Rose hissed, grabbing his shoulder. “I need to speak with my mother. Please. Vacate the premises.”

“No can do,” Dave replied, a forced smile plastered on. “I have such wonderful news to tell you.”

“Buzz off Dave…” Rose said, her growl getting lower and lower, glint in her eye darkening.

“Don’t be so grim, it’s important.” Dave turned back to Rose and closed in, forcing her to take a step back. “Please.”

“Step away,” Rose said, volume dropping, dark glint in her eye evolving to some void, the dark and lack of life making Dave’s heart skip a beep.

He gulped. “No need to be so dark about it,” he said. Taking a moment to recollect his thoughts, Dave stepped closer still, trying to brave the storm brewing n front of him without getting caught in Rose’s tendrils. “You need to listen to me.”

“Oh no, I really don’t. Not at all, Mr. Strider.” Rose drew herself up, staring Dave down. The perk of being so similar, from nose to height, was the chance, like now, to look Dave in the eye and let him feel the brunt of her disdain for her mother. If he wanted to gt in the way, so be it. That boy would be just another casualty. Rose didn’t care.

“Rose,” Dave said, a pleading tone coming to life on his tongue.

“Dave.” Rose put her hands up and pushed him, right in the shoulder, out of her way.

Dave tumbled back, a wavering cape and a stumbling step drawing more attention to the scene. Straightening himself out, Dave huffed. He was red-faced enough to put his cape to shame. He was failing. Rose needed to be contained before whatever toxic substance she had absorbed from the apothecary and stored away as bile against her mother managed to leak out and poison everyone else. Dave stepped closer, but it was too late. Aunt Roxanne was lucid enough to make her move.

“Rose dearest, you know this behavior is rather unbefitting the occasion,” Ms. Lalonde said, airy voice leaking out with a cloud of alcoholic stench.

“And neither is bribing me,” Rose spat.

“No, no, no, no…” Dave muttered, sliding himself between the two, hands up to coax Ms. Lalonde away. It wasn’t enough. Rose yanked his cape and pulled him out of the way.

She was on a mission.

She was determined.

“Mother,” Rose said, voice rising, “I really need you to cut the shit. This is the last straw.” Rose tugged at her gown and flushed, her rouge no match for the frustration flushing her face. “Am I not good enough on my own? Or is this some new attempt to passive-aggressively ask me to step up my game? Is that what this is?”

“Rose dear, relax and have a drink.” Her mother held out her glass, the smell of mulled wine from the islands hitting Rose’s nose. She knocked her mother’s hand away.

“I am _done_ with alcohol tonight. I’ve had enough,” Rose said.

“Tell me about it,” came a low voice.

Dave turned, fighting his way out of his cape once more to see Karkat there, some snack or another in his hand, his mouth curled up in a smirk. “Looks like I got front row seats to the cage match of the century.”

“So help me God…” Dave scowled, knocking the bread from Karkat’s hand before diving back into the fray. It was just a fraction of a moment before Rose tossed him out by his cape. “Damn it!” Dave cussed. The crowd was starting to shy away and Dave, aware that he was fighting a losing battle, groaned.

Karkat was busy picking his teeth with a claw. A bored expression plastered itself on his face. “You really should have listened to me when I offered to teach you about these kinds of situations. But no, troll romance was such a distraction from the great and illustrious Sir David.” Karkat rolled his eyes for added effect, though it was mostly directed at Dave’s newest fight out of the whirlwind of his cape.

“Kar, can you shut up for all of three seconds, just this once? I have a situation to handle here.” Dave huffed, readying himself to reenter the fray.

Rose and her mother, though both ladies, were loud enough to almost drown out the sound of the musicians. Almost. Even in their drunken stupor and ill-placed rage, they weren’t at blows yet and the crowd could ignore the situation. Dave couldn’t. He didn’t have that kind of luck. Making his mental notes he took a step forward.

Karkat caught him by the shoulder and turned him on his heel. “Dave,” he said, voice weary now. “ _Babe,_ you’ve got to listen to me here. I’m trying to help.”

“Help with what?!” Dave shouted, brow furrowed, a newfound sadness in his eyes. “I am at my limit here Karkat. How are you going to help me when it’s been years and I _still_ can’t figure Rose out. She’s dead set on self-destructing. She won’t let anyone help. What are you going to do? What are you going to help me with?”

Karkat rolled his eyes and flicked Dave’s ear. “I’m going to help you with your rocky moirallegiance you dunderheaded jackass.”


	20. Deflate

Dave stared, blinking idly as Rose and her mother quarrled behind him. Karkat, animated and preachy as usual, was lecturing him, once again, albeit with permission, about some troll romance mumbo-jumbo. He gawked, lips parted in a half gape.

“Karkat…” Dave said, reaching out to put his hand over that flapping set of troll lips. “Shut up.”

“Are you kidding me?” Karkat said, wrestling Dave’s hand away. “Have you not been listening to a single thing I’ve said?”

“Not really. No.” Dave looked over his shoulder to see Rose and he mother disappearing from the Hall, entering a side corridor in their slightly drunken stupor. “I lost interest when you started rambling about Vaseline.”

“Vacillation.”

“Whatever… “ Dave said, turning on his heel to chase after his cousin and aunt. “I have things to do…”

“No.” Karkat caught his wrist. “I get it, you’re an impulsive hotshot who can’t listen because of all the dumb wadded up between your ears. But you’ve got to listen to me now. I know what you need to do here. I know you’re not into the whole troll romance philosophy, but you’ve got to listen.”

“I don’t have to do jack. I need to go fetch Rose before my whole family ends up more frayed and fucked than it already is.” Dave stepped away, tugged his arm free from Karkat. “Thanks… but I’ve got to do this on my own.”

Karkat growled and snatched at Dave’s cape, tugging him back. “What is it with you and being such a brash idiot?” Karkat asked, snapping some. Dave struggled against the pull of his cape. “Listen to me!”

“What?!” Dave whipped around, eyes ever redder than usual, which was fascinating considering the red irises were natural. No. They were bloodshot as he teared up. “Let me handle this Karkat! Otherwise we’re all going to be the laughing stock of the town. Again. Do you know what that’s like?” he asked.

Karkat bit his lip.

“Aunt Roxy has made my Bro’s life a mess before, what with her drinking. Bro doesn’t care because he loves her, but that’s bullshit.” Dave said, the lump in his throat making his words a mess. “If you love someone, and they really mean something to you, you help them.”

Karkat frowned, expression melting to something softer. “What do you think I’m trying to do right now?”

Dave froze. The last few minutes, between Rose’s outburst and the dozens of pairs of eyes boring into him, had seemingly come to a stop. All there was, for the first time in a while, was Karkat. Sure, there was that obnoxious tugging on his cape, and that annoying nagging in his ear, but Dave sighed and lunged, latching on to Karkat, pulling him close, hugging him as if all the answers depended on squeezing the life out of that shout-y troll.

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be. I knew you were an ass for a while.”

“I love you too,” Dave muttered. “Now what is it you were babbling about?”

***

Rose, flushed in the face and scowling, tapped her foot on the large stone pavers in the hall. She was only a few inches taller than her mother, but considering the shoes and the rage, she might have been a titan towering over the drunk woman.

“It’s the _same_ story mother. You’re too drunk to talk. You’re too plastered to even consider what you’ve done to me! And now what? You think because we’re in public I should swallow all my hurt and anger to save you your pride?” Rose’s hand shook, clenching into fists and releasing. “What pride? You’re gone and drowning at the bottom of your tankard again.”

“Oh come off of it Ross.”

Roxanne Lalonde, world-traveling adventurer, richest merchant on the continent, and socialite royalty, stood there, swaying a bit in her current state. In her head to toe pink, pale and delicate like her lips, like her eyes, like her persona, Roxanne huffed and sighed.

Rose was having none of it. “I don’t care anymore Mother. You’ve overstepped your bounds this time. Do you know how much you spent? Huh? Or were you too drunk to remember that?” Rose asked, almost shouting.

The noise of the Ball didn’t have enough presence in that empty corridor to drown out the shaky echo of Rose’s question. “What are you talking about Russell?”

“I am your daughter! My name is Rosaline Catherine Lalonde! You will refer to me as such!” Rose shouted. “Can’t you respect my name at the very least Mother!?”

Roxanne swayed a bit, settling into a slight frown while she stood up straight, wiping her eyes and trying to focus. She huffed. “What _is_ all this about then Rose?”

Rose tugged at her own hair, groaning. “Have you NOT been listening?”

“I have.”

Rose turned, still flushed in the face, still teary eyed, and shaking. Her scowled dropped.

“Kanaya?”


	21. Admit

Rose blinked as she took the chance to disengage her mother in rapid fire verbal combat. It was a risk she had to take. The look on Kanaya’s face, as if caught somewhere where shock, disdain and hurt all converged, made Rose seize up.

This was not good, that much was clear.

“Why are you berating your guardian?” Kanaya asked.

Rose was only disheveled on the inside. On the outside, where the world, and more importantly, Kanaya, could see, she was still ravishing, a little beacon of light in that grand stone hall. Everything seemed cold for moment, devoid of sound or life. Rose’s heart skipped a beat and she pulled away from her mother. She disengaged. She blinked.

“Kanaya, it’s a lot more complicated than just that.” Rose clenched and unclenched her fists, inhaling sharply. She knew she needed calm. She knew this didn’t look good.

“Are you sure? There’s rumors already crossing the crowds that you’ve punched your guardian.” Kanaya, hands on hips, frowned.

“I’m just her mother dear. I don’t do much of the guarding thing,” Roxy said, piping up from the opposite wall. “My Rose can handle herself.”

“That wasn’t the _point_ Mother,” Rose hissed over her shoulder. Kanaya cleared her throat to catch her date’s attention once more. “Kanaya, this is all a very unfortunate family matter. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me,” Kanaya said, her façade of calm only cracking with the slight hiss in her voice. “You’ve made a scene and led me to believe your mother was causing you distress. Like that night we all had dinner. But I think I have observed enough of your interactions to note that this is not the case.”

“Kanaya, stop.”

The hall resounded with the low voice. The sound, clearly tired and a bit ragged, hit them all like a stampeding horse. Rose looked over Kanaya’s shoulder to spot Dave, in a flurry of red cape, marching over to them, a forlorn look in his eyes.

“Please just…”

“Not you _too!_ ” Rose shouted, clawing at her hair now. “Can’t you all just let me handle this on my own! It’s none of your business anyway.”

“No.” Both Dave and Kanaya responded in unison, shooting each other a glance from the corners of their eyes before refocusing on Rose.

“Rose,” Dave said. “Rose you need to calm down. You’re going to make a big mista—”

“No!” Rose had tears in her eyes now, whether from the sheer pressure of the situation or from the alcohol or from both remained unclear. Rose pointed to her mother with an accusatory finger. “She’s _always done this_ to me! She thinks she can by me off with trinkets and gifts to make up for the fact that she’s an _awful_ mother.”

“Rose…” Ms. Lalonde whispered, clutching the lace collar of her dress. “Rose, honey…”

“Don’t ‘Rose, honey’ me!” Rose flushed deeper red, the color contrasting nicely under her makeup and flyaway bangs. “You can’t buy me a dress and expect me to want to close up shop and travel the world with you, you… you… you drunk harpy!”

The corridor went silent save for the distant din of the ball. Rose gulped, eyes wet, fists clenched. Kanaya blinked, her lips parted in a needle thin gape of disbelief. Dave took another step forward and grabbed Rose by the elbow.

“Rose. Your mother didn’t buy you that dress or anything else. And she doesn’t want you to close up shop. My _God_ where do you get all these fucking bullshit ideas of yours?” Dave asked.

Rose blinked.

“Dear… I never wanted you to close up shop to come with me to the islands or anywhere else,” Ms. Lalonde said, her wispy voice almost lost to the muffled sound of the Ball. “I’ve always been so proud of your work at the Apothecary. Me and Broderick always talk about how you’ve been becoming such a savvy young businesswoman.”

“No!” Rose shouted again, pulling away from Dave. She shook. “You can’t tell me after all these years of her being a drunk flight hazard that everything I know is fake.”

“That’s _exactly_ what I’m telling you,” Dave said.

“No!” Rose shouted again, stomping her foot.

Kanaya stepped forward, pushing past Dave. “Rose, you’re drunk,” she said, grabbing Rose’s hand gently. “You’ve had more than three of those large tankards of ale. You need to settle down.”

“I don’t need to settle down!” Rose covered her face and groaned. “You’re all so… unbelievable!”

“No.” Dave said again, prying Rose’s hands down from her face. “You are. You were gifted a dress and you immediately thought that your mother was trying some stunt to get to you. If that’s not the most childish thing ever, I don’t know what is.”

Rose froze, eyes red, irritated lines crisscrossing her face.

“Rose… honey,” Ms. Lalonde said softly.

“No.” Rose turned on her mother again and huffed. “Stop it with that mother hen bullshit. You can’t make up for any of it, any of that shit you pulled. You were never a good mother to me!”

Dave stepped forward again and grabbed Rose around the waist, picking her up and dragging her away from her mother. There was a flailing of arms and legs and a swish of a red cape and an orange dress, but Dave had had enough. Things were tense. Things were going to come to blows. He was sure of it.

Karkat had told him he might need to strong arm Rose out of a bad situation, for that pink diamond bullshit he was talking about, but right now Dave wasn’t thinking about that. He was thinking about making things right. Coming clean. Spilling the beans. All that good hooey. If it meant he could keep Rose and Aunt Roxy from becoming the next Dave and Broderick… he was content.

There really was nowhere to run to other than the opposite end of the corridor or the grand hall. Opting to avoid the crowds, Dave carried Rose out of earshot of her mother and Kanaya, and dropped her to her feet with a huff.

“Dave I do not have time for your bullshit right now!”

“And no one has time for yours.” Dave crossed his arms and scowled. “Rose, it’s time you come to realize some things, okay? For one, your mother isn’t a bad person. A drunk, sure. But she’s not a bad person and she isn’t always trying to outdo you or play some twisted mind games to get you to be someone you’re not.”

“Bullshit.” Rose was tearing up again as she took handfuls of her skirt and shook them at Dave. “Then explain this! She can’t get over the fact that I’m not the perfect princess that can save the Lalonde family name, so she goes and dolls me up so I feel guilty for wanting nothing to do with her lifestyle. She’s always done this to me for as long as I can remember.”

“Rose!” Dave shouted, fists clenched. “Listen to me! Your mother did not buy you that dress! Your mother isn’t angling for some ulterior motive or subtle upper hand or whatever it is you’ve convinved yourself she’s after.”

“Then who bought me this dress!?”

“I did!”

Rose blinked, the booze-induced tears flittering across her cheek for a moment before she snapped back to reality. That sure was a wake-up call. Reaching up, she wiped her face with vigor and huffed. “Why would you do—”

“Because!” Dave said, pulling at his hair some. “Because I knew that I needed to get you out of that dingy little shop and out into the sunlight. I needed to get you talking to someone besides me and the few customers you have left!”

Dave’s voice cracked a little and Rose looked him in the eyes. “Dave…”

“I fuck up family functions, not you. I’m the one with the legacy to burn to spite my Bro. I’m the one who’s going to be a disappointment. You? Rose you have a future and you’ve got opportunity and hell, you have a pretty swell troll lady hitting on you when no one is looking. Don’t throw that away because of some made up dispute between you and your mother.” Dave was red faced, the blush almost putting his eyes to shame for once. He inhaled and calmed himself, feeling eyes staring at him in the direction of his Aunt and Kanaya. “Listen. This family has room for only one failure. I’m never going to be the prince my Bro wants, but you could easily be happy for your mother. Or at least for yourself.”

“I…” Rose looked down and crossed her arms. Before she knew it, Dave’s hands were on her shoulders. Something in that contact made her heart rate normalize, her breathing relax. She sighed and covered her face. “I feel like an idiot.”

“I know. It’s cause you are one.”

Rose huffed and kicked Dave in the shin. “And that was for buying me a dress without my permission.”

“A thank you would have been nice!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thing to note: I understand that Rose was not a very emotional drunk in canon. What I attempted here was to combine her developing alcoholism with her Act I issues concerning her mother's supposed passive-aggressive game of one-upmanship in a way that seemed natural if not a recent development.
> 
> Tell me what you think or leave any comments on [my tumblr](robogreaser.tumblr.com).


	22. Conclusion

“So,” Rose said, picking at the flowing sleeves of her gown. “You bought me a dress to try and set me up with the best seamstress in town, huh?”

Dave nodded, a smirk pulling at one corner of his mouth. “Indeed.” Rose reached over and flicked him in the ear, huffing. “Hey!” Dave yelped. “You already kicked me, damn it. No more need for dramatics.” Dave whined, rubbing his ear now.

“It wasn’t enough. This _is_ a very fancy dress after all.” Rose crossed her arms and took her turn to pull one corner of her mouth upwards in a smirk. Dave huffed. “Relax dearest cousin. I’m not going to inflict anymore bodily harm on you tonight.”

“Just tonight?” Dave asked, quirking a brow up.

“Well we are family. I can’t really promise never to take a shot ever again.” Rose set down her skirt, the hem grazing the floor. “Embrace it.”

“I’d rather not.” Dave took a step forward and fell into Rose, whining some, his half-hearted hug causing Rose to grunt. “I’d rather embrace you.”

Rose pushed back at that log of a man and rolled her eyes. “There’s no time for you being weird. Stand up. Act your age. Get it together.”

Dave whined.

Rose wagged a finger at him and after a moment of silence they both started snickering. It took a minute to compose themselves, there smiles a little wider, their mood a little lighter. All of the happenings that evening had rushed by them, a blur, a very confusing and colorful and loud blur. But it was okay.

Everything was okay.

“So perhaps now’s the time I should come clean about what Karkat and I have been up to.” Rose said as they walked.

Dave froze and frowned. “What?”

Rose turned to him and shrugged, grinning as if there was nothing in the world that could ruin the closure the two of them had just achieved over the dress incident. “Just…” she trailed off.

“What did you do?” Dave asked, looking down at Rose with a bit of a scowl.

“Nothing!” Rose put her hands up and sighed. “Karkat came to see me last spring whining and griping about… you know… _liking_ you. I thought he was just up in arms about what happened with you and Terezi before everything fell apart. But nope. He was just… awkward as hell, in that very toll-like way. So I…” Rose trailed off.

“You what?” Dave asked, crimson eyes squinting in accusation.

“Nothing.” Rose murmured into her sleeve, faking a cough.

“Rosaline.”

“David.”

“Rose!” Dave poked her shoulder and she rolled her eyes. “Spill it.”

“Fine!” Rose threw up her arms. “I gave him that ointment. It’s really just that cologne you like so much in cream form. I told him there where pheromones and whatnot involved, but it’s just a placebo. That, and I told him to chill. Relax. You know, all those things you make such a big fuss about, even though you’re more wired than a hyperactive cat on caffeine.”

Dave pursed his lips, expression neutral, eyes focused on Rose. He inhaled with one slow breath, exhaling after a second and taking a step towards Rose. She leaned back, but it was to late. Dave flicked her ear, good and hard.

“Ow!” Rose whined, reaching up to cup her ear. “You dick!”

“Says the girl meddling with weird interspecies troll romance thingies she doesn’t understand.” Dave huffed and crossed his arms. “What if Karkat was allergic to something in all that goop you’ve been selling him? Or what if it was toxic to trolls?”

“What if?” Rose scoffed. “I am the best damned apothecary in this town. You think I would unwillingly poison someone?”

“Wait…” Dave furrowed his brow. “Are you saying that you would _willingly_ poison someone?”

Rose batted her eyelashes. Dave rolled his eyes. Making quick work of small talk, they finally decided to return to Kanaya and Rose’s mother. Being a little drunk wasn’t too bad at a party like this, a Ball nonetheless. Rose made a quiet apology to her mother and then to Kanaya.

Dave, still with a faux-smug look on his face, took a punch to the arm before smiling and making his due apologies for sneaking around and getting his Aunt yelled at.

Something, perhaps the chill of Rose’s misplaced rage, lifted from the corridor. Before they knew it, there were smiles all around. This was rare. Meddling Striders and meddlesome Lalondes never really smiled. Not genuinely.

It wasn’t an unwelcome change however.

Rose caught Dave by the arm as they went back to the hall filled with people. She kissed him on the cheek, a simple smooch and nothing less. She grinned. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Dave asked.

“Thank you for pulling me out of a dingy, apothecary-scented shell.” Rose looked down, blushing. “I never thought I’d see the day when I’d be in a dress like this.”

“Me either,” Dave said, smirking his classic little smirk.

Rose punched him in the arm again. “Shush. And besides… I never thought I’d get set up with a wonderful troll.”

“Me either.” Dave let the smirk fall away, his body sweeping forward to hug Rose gently. “Thank you.”

Rose hugged back. “No more meddling though,” she warned. Her voice was a whisper in his ear and nothing more.

“That goes for you too,” Dave said with a laugh.

“Agreed.”


End file.
